But I am not okay!
I am dying!
No one can see my insides shriveling up
Even I cannot save myself
I do not know how to cry so i Sing
I cannot scream so i WHISPER.
but can you not hear the weeping in my song
Can you not hear my shouts in my whisper.
I have let in close enough to hear me cry the tears even I cannot cry
I have let you so close the hear my heart scream.
NO I am not okay!
I am dying,
You are too blind to see me suffer,
You are too deaf to hear me scream.
And I am standing outside myself, unable to help me.
I am dying but that is not why I am afraid.
I fear that I may one day be able to cry and never be able to stop.
I may be able to scream and scream I shall without end
And when I do you still will not hear me.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Open Relationships
HELLO,
It has been a long while. Quick update bout what's been going on in my life and then i will get to my motivation for this post. PERSONAL UPDATE= NOTHING, ZILCH, NADA, kosi about from school.
Now to Open relationships. I always wanted to talk on this subject and I have been putting it off for a while but some replies to my friend konfirmed's last post kind of emphasized the need to talk about this subject.
I do not really have anything against open relationships, I think it is an occurrence in life that cannot be rid of.
I don't think I need to restate the perks of being in these non-relationship, so i will go directly to this misconceptions or the facts that we have decided to turn a blind eye to.
As we all know, we are not inanimate objects which is why we can feel and we have emotions. A girl will see a pair of shoes she absolutely loves and even though she cannot afford them she will think of them for a month or so. A guy will see a computer gadget he cannot afford even before it is released and will visualise himself with it, till he can get it. People give names to their pets, and love their pets, cater to their pets, even cry when their pets die. People get hooked on drugs or painkillers, or a t.v show, or a book and for years to come, even after being separated still feel the void. My point?
How then can we expect that, although Joe and Josephine are strongly attracted to each other, neither one should feel an emotional stirring. No matter how shallow one is, I do not think anyone decides they want to be in an open-relationship with someone who they think is utterly disgusting, physically or personality wise. So it is bound to happen that after a while, your feelings about that person starts becoming stronger.
The reason why open-relationships fail is not because people fail to abide by the rule (don't get emotionally attached) but because people fail to realise that emotional attachment is bound to happen; some stronger than others, and some participants are better at hiding their feelings).
The perks of an open relationship, I think is not the freedom to do whatever, but the honesty a name-bound-relationship sometimes lacks. The ability for both partners to say how they feel at all times, to walk away when you are both on different levels and to decide to stay with the knowledge that it is just mere attraction which may or may not bloom into something more fruitful.
It has been a long while. Quick update bout what's been going on in my life and then i will get to my motivation for this post. PERSONAL UPDATE= NOTHING, ZILCH, NADA, kosi about from school.
Now to Open relationships. I always wanted to talk on this subject and I have been putting it off for a while but some replies to my friend konfirmed's last post kind of emphasized the need to talk about this subject.
I do not really have anything against open relationships, I think it is an occurrence in life that cannot be rid of.
I don't think I need to restate the perks of being in these non-relationship, so i will go directly to this misconceptions or the facts that we have decided to turn a blind eye to.
As we all know, we are not inanimate objects which is why we can feel and we have emotions. A girl will see a pair of shoes she absolutely loves and even though she cannot afford them she will think of them for a month or so. A guy will see a computer gadget he cannot afford even before it is released and will visualise himself with it, till he can get it. People give names to their pets, and love their pets, cater to their pets, even cry when their pets die. People get hooked on drugs or painkillers, or a t.v show, or a book and for years to come, even after being separated still feel the void. My point?
How then can we expect that, although Joe and Josephine are strongly attracted to each other, neither one should feel an emotional stirring. No matter how shallow one is, I do not think anyone decides they want to be in an open-relationship with someone who they think is utterly disgusting, physically or personality wise. So it is bound to happen that after a while, your feelings about that person starts becoming stronger.
The reason why open-relationships fail is not because people fail to abide by the rule (don't get emotionally attached) but because people fail to realise that emotional attachment is bound to happen; some stronger than others, and some participants are better at hiding their feelings).
The perks of an open relationship, I think is not the freedom to do whatever, but the honesty a name-bound-relationship sometimes lacks. The ability for both partners to say how they feel at all times, to walk away when you are both on different levels and to decide to stay with the knowledge that it is just mere attraction which may or may not bloom into something more fruitful.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Random
some one once told me that "it is impossible to love others if you don't love yourself". That someone was my mother. She said this to me years and years ago but in my inexperience I said she didn't know anything. By now after sitting atop the fire of life for such a long time I know she is right.
But how do you know if you don't love yourself? How do you learn to love yourself when you have spent so long loving others and forgetting that you are in fact human?
Anyways, so I have been thinking of recent, as in really thinking about my capability of really loving someone. And for some reason I can't picture myself loving anyone. Of course, I love my friends and my family and will love my children. but I am talking about like a boyfriend or husband-kind of person. Like how do you love someone enough to open every aspect yourself up to them knowing fully well that they could hurt you and break you.
One of my exes told me that I am incapable of loving someone. I try to tell myself that it was him i was incapable of loving but i can't help to think in the back of my mind that maybe the problem is me. Maybe I am really incapable of loving, i dunno.
I don't know the ppoint of this post, but it feels good to just let it out. :D hope you are having fun...
But how do you know if you don't love yourself? How do you learn to love yourself when you have spent so long loving others and forgetting that you are in fact human?
Anyways, so I have been thinking of recent, as in really thinking about my capability of really loving someone. And for some reason I can't picture myself loving anyone. Of course, I love my friends and my family and will love my children. but I am talking about like a boyfriend or husband-kind of person. Like how do you love someone enough to open every aspect yourself up to them knowing fully well that they could hurt you and break you.
One of my exes told me that I am incapable of loving someone. I try to tell myself that it was him i was incapable of loving but i can't help to think in the back of my mind that maybe the problem is me. Maybe I am really incapable of loving, i dunno.
I don't know the ppoint of this post, but it feels good to just let it out. :D hope you are having fun...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
SONIA'S ANSWER
Ok SO my friend Sonia posted these questions on facebook and wanted me to answer the, but i figured I need more that a few lines to answer them and that some other people might have these questions, so here are my thoughts.
1. what qualities do you look for in a partner.
well the most important is honesty. Most times you have to ask yourself what qualities do you have to give, cause you can't be unable to bring something to the table and expect your partner to. You can't cheat and expect your partner to be faithful, or lie and expect your partner to be honest at all times. You can't be lazy and expect the other to be diligent. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK IN A MATURE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP..
2. would you forgive your partner if they cheated on you?Explain why you would and why you wouldn't?
The word partner is like lean bacon (sorry that's the best I could come up with). Why? For you to regard someone as your partner and not a boyfriend or a lover, it means you have learned to trust and love this person and regard them as your equal; you have trimmed all the fat off. Now to answer the question. I will... yeah I know. The question is will I get back with them? I might the first time they do. Depending on who with, the timing, the place, the why and the how?
3. Do you think sex is necessary in cementing a long term relationship? Expand.
No, I don't. Why? Did your parents think you had to pay rent for them to let you stay in their house? What's the relation ship between the two? Well once you start viewing sex as neccessary to keep you partner you might as well be paying them. If you don't want to do the deed and your partner thinks that you should for you to stay together then you shouldn't be with them. I am certain most guys and even girls want to do the dirty dirty but if they feel strongly bout you, they can hold for a little while. But you shouldn't tease them either. don't start what u can't finish.
4. Are we able to feel love to the full extent at this age?
No. Love grows everyday even adults don't feel love to the full extent. everyday and with every experience you learn to appreciate the other more.
1. what qualities do you look for in a partner.
well the most important is honesty. Most times you have to ask yourself what qualities do you have to give, cause you can't be unable to bring something to the table and expect your partner to. You can't cheat and expect your partner to be faithful, or lie and expect your partner to be honest at all times. You can't be lazy and expect the other to be diligent. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK IN A MATURE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP..
2. would you forgive your partner if they cheated on you?Explain why you would and why you wouldn't?
The word partner is like lean bacon (sorry that's the best I could come up with). Why? For you to regard someone as your partner and not a boyfriend or a lover, it means you have learned to trust and love this person and regard them as your equal; you have trimmed all the fat off. Now to answer the question. I will... yeah I know. The question is will I get back with them? I might the first time they do. Depending on who with, the timing, the place, the why and the how?
3. Do you think sex is necessary in cementing a long term relationship? Expand.
No, I don't. Why? Did your parents think you had to pay rent for them to let you stay in their house? What's the relation ship between the two? Well once you start viewing sex as neccessary to keep you partner you might as well be paying them. If you don't want to do the deed and your partner thinks that you should for you to stay together then you shouldn't be with them. I am certain most guys and even girls want to do the dirty dirty but if they feel strongly bout you, they can hold for a little while. But you shouldn't tease them either. don't start what u can't finish.
4. Are we able to feel love to the full extent at this age?
No. Love grows everyday even adults don't feel love to the full extent. everyday and with every experience you learn to appreciate the other more.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Perfection
Striving for Perfection in a personal matter, though tough is easier, much more than when u have to strive with someone else. When you are striving alone, you can motivate yourself and always have other people to motivate you. When you feel low you can give yourself a pep talk, push yourself harder.
When you are with someone else, you can't push the other person to hard because you are afraid you might push them away, especially if it is with someone you love. For couple perfection you both have to have the same level of energy at all times, if not a seedling of resentment in the person who feels they are fighting and striving more.
The only sort of perfection you can create in a relationship is perfecting the acknowledgment of the fact that there is no way to gain perfection in a relation. Perfecting the act of turning a blind eye to faults in a relation and the significant other. But as we are human, we always aim for something higher, something within our grasp and when we have reached that level we want more.
Hence, there is nothing like a perfect couple or an almost perfect couple. We see a couple that strives for more than they have and that is the example we should follow. Although perfection is imossible, happiness is... So instead of striving for perfection, fight for happiness with the one you love and fight to help keep them standing cause that's the closest you will get to perfection...
HRM THIS IS FOR YOU.. SORRY IT'S LATE. XOXOXOX
When you are with someone else, you can't push the other person to hard because you are afraid you might push them away, especially if it is with someone you love. For couple perfection you both have to have the same level of energy at all times, if not a seedling of resentment in the person who feels they are fighting and striving more.
The only sort of perfection you can create in a relationship is perfecting the acknowledgment of the fact that there is no way to gain perfection in a relation. Perfecting the act of turning a blind eye to faults in a relation and the significant other. But as we are human, we always aim for something higher, something within our grasp and when we have reached that level we want more.
Hence, there is nothing like a perfect couple or an almost perfect couple. We see a couple that strives for more than they have and that is the example we should follow. Although perfection is imossible, happiness is... So instead of striving for perfection, fight for happiness with the one you love and fight to help keep them standing cause that's the closest you will get to perfection...
HRM THIS IS FOR YOU.. SORRY IT'S LATE. XOXOXOX
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
lol
With all the vehemence in me, I spit out
"I'd die a thousand deaths before..."
My spat is cut short when I see the look in his eyes, he's is begging me not to complete it but I know his mind is asking "before what?"
How do I know? He has on this pained expression, but his eyes bore into mine as if to say, 'go ahead complete it if you dare' Can I complete it?
I don't know if I can bring myself to hurt him, by telling him a lie, to hurt myself. But I need an effective way to push him away, a way to make him run so fast so far in the opposite direction. Usually I am really good at doing this, I always do it, so by now you'd think it'd be easier. But with him, it's so hard.
So I try again "I will die a thousand deaths..." this time I try not to look at his face but even then I cannot complete it because I know this is all a lie. I know that from the moment I complete it I will be living a huge lie. I would walk, talk, sleep, breathe and dwindle in the lie.
But I can't not lie, because if i don't I will have to tell the truth the whole truth, a truth I don't think am ready to part with.
I dare to look up, to let myself get sucked into the milky chocolate swirls of his eyes and I want to tell him. To let it flow, let everything come out, but I know if it is out it is always going to be hanging around both of us. With it hidden it is just hanging above my head. You see that's why it was so easy before, no one ever attempted to share it with me, no one knew it was there in the first place. We say nothing but speak volumes. Now I am the one who is begging him not to let me complete it, who is trying to mask the pain. But he sees it.
"before?"
I close my eyes as if to say "please let's forget this"
"before?"
in my head i say "please don't make me talk about this, don't let me make my issues your problem"
"but it is my problem," I guess i didn't really say that in my head.
"no it's not, I don't want it to be."
At this point I don't know if I should make my story an emotional tragedy or a nostalgic one, so we just sit and look at each other. The silence is slowly becoming awkward.
the end. :D
"I'd die a thousand deaths before..."
My spat is cut short when I see the look in his eyes, he's is begging me not to complete it but I know his mind is asking "before what?"
How do I know? He has on this pained expression, but his eyes bore into mine as if to say, 'go ahead complete it if you dare' Can I complete it?
I don't know if I can bring myself to hurt him, by telling him a lie, to hurt myself. But I need an effective way to push him away, a way to make him run so fast so far in the opposite direction. Usually I am really good at doing this, I always do it, so by now you'd think it'd be easier. But with him, it's so hard.
So I try again "I will die a thousand deaths..." this time I try not to look at his face but even then I cannot complete it because I know this is all a lie. I know that from the moment I complete it I will be living a huge lie. I would walk, talk, sleep, breathe and dwindle in the lie.
But I can't not lie, because if i don't I will have to tell the truth the whole truth, a truth I don't think am ready to part with.
I dare to look up, to let myself get sucked into the milky chocolate swirls of his eyes and I want to tell him. To let it flow, let everything come out, but I know if it is out it is always going to be hanging around both of us. With it hidden it is just hanging above my head. You see that's why it was so easy before, no one ever attempted to share it with me, no one knew it was there in the first place. We say nothing but speak volumes. Now I am the one who is begging him not to let me complete it, who is trying to mask the pain. But he sees it.
"before?"
I close my eyes as if to say "please let's forget this"
"before?"
in my head i say "please don't make me talk about this, don't let me make my issues your problem"
"but it is my problem," I guess i didn't really say that in my head.
"no it's not, I don't want it to be."
At this point I don't know if I should make my story an emotional tragedy or a nostalgic one, so we just sit and look at each other. The silence is slowly becoming awkward.
the end. :D
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
extremes of PASSION
Oh he touched me and I shivered,
Oh I shivered with a fever,
I could feel the goosebumps strain against my flesh,
I could feel his eyes travel through every inch of exposed flesh,
I could feel my dark skin grow hot,
Hot because I knew he was aware of the effect his stare had on me.
I could hear my heart thump loudly, wildly,
i knew he could see it because he smiled,
And then he touched me.
Oh I shivered violently.
Shivered from the heat he created in me.
He touches me and I have a fever,
Oh the fever causes me to shiver,
I am so hot, so hot I am afraid.
I can feel his eye rove around my body,
I can feel myself grew hot with thoughts of what I want to do to him,
The thoughts so horrid that I shiver,
I am cold all over, so hot,
My insides are so cold with hate,
He touches me and I shiver icy-hotness.
I close my eyes and replay all the things I want to do to him.
I open my eyes with a smile.
Oh, we are all smiling because I know I will never shiver.
Or will I?
Will the thoughts of that night make me so hot that I shiver?
Oh I shivered with a fever,
I could feel the goosebumps strain against my flesh,
I could feel his eyes travel through every inch of exposed flesh,
I could feel my dark skin grow hot,
Hot because I knew he was aware of the effect his stare had on me.
I could hear my heart thump loudly, wildly,
i knew he could see it because he smiled,
And then he touched me.
Oh I shivered violently.
Shivered from the heat he created in me.
He touches me and I have a fever,
Oh the fever causes me to shiver,
I am so hot, so hot I am afraid.
I can feel his eye rove around my body,
I can feel myself grew hot with thoughts of what I want to do to him,
The thoughts so horrid that I shiver,
I am cold all over, so hot,
My insides are so cold with hate,
He touches me and I shiver icy-hotness.
I close my eyes and replay all the things I want to do to him.
I open my eyes with a smile.
Oh, we are all smiling because I know I will never shiver.
Or will I?
Will the thoughts of that night make me so hot that I shiver?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Am I a BITCH??????
I am not sure anymore. So I need you guys to tell me. This isn't the first time my head is telling me that I am a complete bitch. At first I denied it, but this is like the third time in less than a month that I have questioned the presence of my very strong inner bitch. On a usual day, I'd say I wasn't but lately especially today, very bitchy thoughts keep zooming through my brain, in complete circles.
Like yesterday, for example, some of my friends and I were talking about cheating and what we'd do if we were going to cheat.. and i came up with some of the most brilliant ideas on how to cover up or justify it. It was almost as if I had thought about them before. The thing is I am not a pro-cheating person. then I was watching Entourage ad I find I actually like the guy code thing not spilling on your mate even to a mutual friend. You see, usually, as a girl I'd think it is okay to spill if you are doing it to protect that friend or someone else.
This weekend, I found I had to stifle myself quite a lot... as in a lot lot, like every 2 minutes. When someone said something I thought was completely stupid, I'd want to turn around with an incredulous look on my face and say "you are such a dumb fuck, even a dumb fuck would think you were dumb" or say "are you listening to yourself?, I don't meaning hearing your voice but actually listening to the words your are actually letting out of your mouth?" I know it's normal to think this like once in a month, but I think them a lot!
Some days ago, I actually had an argument in my head about if I thought someone was stupid or just an idiot. And I actually thought of the difference between the two. You see a stupid person you can educate, they are just slower than usual, like you'd call a dog stupid when they are slow getting a Frisbee. An idiot, you can't teach because trying to educate one is more impossible than anything i can think of at the moment.
But I CANNOT be a bitch!!! I didn't say these things out loud. I practiced self-control and kept quiet. Should I reward myself for that? I don't know. I really think I am almost the sweetest person I have met. People that have met me or read my blog, do you think, I am a Bitch or just realistic?
Like yesterday, for example, some of my friends and I were talking about cheating and what we'd do if we were going to cheat.. and i came up with some of the most brilliant ideas on how to cover up or justify it. It was almost as if I had thought about them before. The thing is I am not a pro-cheating person. then I was watching Entourage ad I find I actually like the guy code thing not spilling on your mate even to a mutual friend. You see, usually, as a girl I'd think it is okay to spill if you are doing it to protect that friend or someone else.
This weekend, I found I had to stifle myself quite a lot... as in a lot lot, like every 2 minutes. When someone said something I thought was completely stupid, I'd want to turn around with an incredulous look on my face and say "you are such a dumb fuck, even a dumb fuck would think you were dumb" or say "are you listening to yourself?, I don't meaning hearing your voice but actually listening to the words your are actually letting out of your mouth?" I know it's normal to think this like once in a month, but I think them a lot!
Some days ago, I actually had an argument in my head about if I thought someone was stupid or just an idiot. And I actually thought of the difference between the two. You see a stupid person you can educate, they are just slower than usual, like you'd call a dog stupid when they are slow getting a Frisbee. An idiot, you can't teach because trying to educate one is more impossible than anything i can think of at the moment.
But I CANNOT be a bitch!!! I didn't say these things out loud. I practiced self-control and kept quiet. Should I reward myself for that? I don't know. I really think I am almost the sweetest person I have met. People that have met me or read my blog, do you think, I am a Bitch or just realistic?
Saturday, July 25, 2009
PRE Second Order of Disorder
SO i was going to go ahead to my second order of disorder, but I can't remember what I was going to tallk about so yeah. I will try and remember or I may forget about it all together. SUPANOVA SUPANOVA SUPANOVA!!! yeaah yay.. Ok bye Stalkers
First Order of disorder
Hello Ever -Welcomed Stalkers,
I have actually lost track of time, so I can't remember when exactly my last post was. if it was a long time ago and you have come on more than 3 times in search of an update, I am sorry. If you got on here by accident and really didn't want to read a new post from me, I am sorry too. :D Well Well Well. Where to start. WHERE TO START.
Well, I have been having more-random-than-usual thoughts of late, So I'll just address everyone of them in order of no order at all.
Well my aunt, a friend of hers and I were talking about invites in this country and how people actually send F.Y.I invites. yeah I didn't know what they were till I think last week (again my inability to track time). Well F.Y.I invites are invitations to say "oh I am getting married oh I just had a baby(you know announcements for stuff you have parties for), but you are not invited for the party, we are just telling you so that you can send presents". IMAGINE!!!
How come here on a normal day, in this part of the world they are willing to spend all their savings on shoes and shopping and electronics, but on what they refer to the most important day of their lives they are worried about spending their life savings. Back home it is entirely different, because on a normal day, they complain about how expensive pure water is, and on their wedding day they spend even what they don't have. Did you know that here, some people make their bridal party buy their dresses and stuff.
p.s I am not criticizing anyone, I am just wondering if it is possible to do both- spend lavishly and save for the rest of your life? I don't know why I am discussing this- told you it is more random than usual. I am just practicing for when I become a columnist for a bridal magazine- amongst other things
I think it is possible. I propose having a savings account for your wedding. People you best be making notes for future purpose.
Yeah... For a year, whatever you earn that you'd usually put in savings for your future house and kids and whatever else,just put it in your bridal account, even if you are not sure about getting married. Or you could do it for the first two years you get a steady income, because that is when parents are most understanding and want to help you get somethings. Why not let them get you that house or car they are offering to get you. So when the time comes you can spend everything in your account -the BRIDAL account.
Guys who are reading this, - I doubt many guys will read my bridal column when I do get one- you probably wouldn't want to get weird looks from the banking staff when you are opening this account. There's a solution, simply open an account for the future Mrs. Lagbaja. Trust me you will probably need it. Because the future Mrs. is a career woman doesn't mean she doesn't like being spent on...
Thank you Stalkers for letting me practice on you, though I doubt any of you finished reading it. :D
I love you still
I have actually lost track of time, so I can't remember when exactly my last post was. if it was a long time ago and you have come on more than 3 times in search of an update, I am sorry. If you got on here by accident and really didn't want to read a new post from me, I am sorry too. :D Well Well Well. Where to start. WHERE TO START.
Well, I have been having more-random-than-usual thoughts of late, So I'll just address everyone of them in order of no order at all.
Well my aunt, a friend of hers and I were talking about invites in this country and how people actually send F.Y.I invites. yeah I didn't know what they were till I think last week (again my inability to track time). Well F.Y.I invites are invitations to say "oh I am getting married oh I just had a baby(you know announcements for stuff you have parties for), but you are not invited for the party, we are just telling you so that you can send presents". IMAGINE!!!
How come here on a normal day, in this part of the world they are willing to spend all their savings on shoes and shopping and electronics, but on what they refer to the most important day of their lives they are worried about spending their life savings. Back home it is entirely different, because on a normal day, they complain about how expensive pure water is, and on their wedding day they spend even what they don't have. Did you know that here, some people make their bridal party buy their dresses and stuff.
p.s I am not criticizing anyone, I am just wondering if it is possible to do both- spend lavishly and save for the rest of your life? I don't know why I am discussing this- told you it is more random than usual. I am just practicing for when I become a columnist for a bridal magazine- amongst other things
I think it is possible. I propose having a savings account for your wedding. People you best be making notes for future purpose.
Yeah... For a year, whatever you earn that you'd usually put in savings for your future house and kids and whatever else,just put it in your bridal account, even if you are not sure about getting married. Or you could do it for the first two years you get a steady income, because that is when parents are most understanding and want to help you get somethings. Why not let them get you that house or car they are offering to get you. So when the time comes you can spend everything in your account -the BRIDAL account.
Guys who are reading this, - I doubt many guys will read my bridal column when I do get one- you probably wouldn't want to get weird looks from the banking staff when you are opening this account. There's a solution, simply open an account for the future Mrs. Lagbaja. Trust me you will probably need it. Because the future Mrs. is a career woman doesn't mean she doesn't like being spent on...
Thank you Stalkers for letting me practice on you, though I doubt any of you finished reading it. :D
I love you still
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Don't trust me.
Hello, my slacking stalkers.
Been less than a minute, but so much and so little has happened in that time. Yeah I figured what was making me depressed. DON'T LAUGH. I miss school, and having no time for myself, and writing essays, and having to think a lot. I hate it when my mind is blank or my thoughts are mundane. I like having to get into the minds of depressed authors and figuring out what they were thinking or imposing thoughts on them. it's so nice, I love and miss school. Yeah I know I'm weird and different and special and anything synonymous to that.
Now to the main purpose of my blog.
I don't know if I am just myself or if other people think this way, but I can never ever trust anyone who says "trust me". Well it takes me a long time to trust people under normal circumstances, I don't even fully trust Gandhi, and he seems like a pretty good person. I feel like people who say "trust me" or "don't you trust me" have something to hide or are omitting a big part of their story, they just want you to get into stuff blindly. Why would you ask someone to trust you if you haven't given them a reason to. I would rather go into a cave with a stranger who says "I don't think it's wise for you to trust me" than go in with an acquaintance who says "don't you trust me". I loathe it when people say that. It causes me to cringe and shrink away from them, because it seems like a red flag, a signal saying GO THE OTHER WAY!
Let's say, you dad brought you food and says "trust me it's not poisonous" would you eat it? I wouldn't. From your answer figure out why you would or wouldn't eat it.
For me trust is like love, you don't ask people to trust you or tell them you trust them, you just do. The people I love gave me a reason to love them, they had characteristics that made them lovable, these people also gave me a reason to trust them. They never came up to me to say "don't you love or trust me" it just happened.
I was just listening to the 3oh3 song "Don't trust me" and I realized that I would trust someone who sad that, because they are so weary of hurting you and you getting to close, that they probably would be the most honest people. Yeah and I decided to share...
My summer is okay. I haven't started hearing voices, or decided to jump off my balcony, so I guess it's not that bad.
Been less than a minute, but so much and so little has happened in that time. Yeah I figured what was making me depressed. DON'T LAUGH. I miss school, and having no time for myself, and writing essays, and having to think a lot. I hate it when my mind is blank or my thoughts are mundane. I like having to get into the minds of depressed authors and figuring out what they were thinking or imposing thoughts on them. it's so nice, I love and miss school. Yeah I know I'm weird and different and special and anything synonymous to that.
Now to the main purpose of my blog.
I don't know if I am just myself or if other people think this way, but I can never ever trust anyone who says "trust me". Well it takes me a long time to trust people under normal circumstances, I don't even fully trust Gandhi, and he seems like a pretty good person. I feel like people who say "trust me" or "don't you trust me" have something to hide or are omitting a big part of their story, they just want you to get into stuff blindly. Why would you ask someone to trust you if you haven't given them a reason to. I would rather go into a cave with a stranger who says "I don't think it's wise for you to trust me" than go in with an acquaintance who says "don't you trust me". I loathe it when people say that. It causes me to cringe and shrink away from them, because it seems like a red flag, a signal saying GO THE OTHER WAY!
Let's say, you dad brought you food and says "trust me it's not poisonous" would you eat it? I wouldn't. From your answer figure out why you would or wouldn't eat it.
For me trust is like love, you don't ask people to trust you or tell them you trust them, you just do. The people I love gave me a reason to love them, they had characteristics that made them lovable, these people also gave me a reason to trust them. They never came up to me to say "don't you love or trust me" it just happened.
I was just listening to the 3oh3 song "Don't trust me" and I realized that I would trust someone who sad that, because they are so weary of hurting you and you getting to close, that they probably would be the most honest people. Yeah and I decided to share...
My summer is okay. I haven't started hearing voices, or decided to jump off my balcony, so I guess it's not that bad.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Hey And Goodnight
I'm tired. but not exactly tired. just FED UP! And I don't know why. I just don't want to do, say, feel anything. And it's so annoying because I thinking a scream would do it, but i don't want to scream. I sort of like this state of nothingness and the anger I'm feeling, I dunno why (guess I'm still weird). I just want to crawl to my bed or underneath it and block every sound out, cover my window and balcony door with black curtains even find something thick enough to stop light from seeping in through the small space at the bottom of the door. I don't want to talk, so now I'm listening to angry songs that make me feel like I don't have to do the screaming because the vocalists are doing in for me. Am I crazy?- probably.
It's so bad that pictures of the most fabulous shoes are not doing it for me. even the thought of watching The Nanny Fine isn't doing it for me, because I cringe at the thought of her voice. Peoples what is wrong with me!!!!?!?!?!?!
WAIT...
don't tell me. I'll figure it out, or it will pass, or maybe I'll vent much later.
Anyways just wanted to write so that people won't feel too offended if I became monosyllabic during conversations, or didn't reply their messages, answer their calls or don't check on them for a while. I still love you guys which is why I am going to become a recluse for a while.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
Your fav Stalker
AKA GIDI HAIR
talk to you when I become my normal chirpy self. Or figure out why I feel so angry.
It's so bad that pictures of the most fabulous shoes are not doing it for me. even the thought of watching The Nanny Fine isn't doing it for me, because I cringe at the thought of her voice. Peoples what is wrong with me!!!!?!?!?!?!
WAIT...
don't tell me. I'll figure it out, or it will pass, or maybe I'll vent much later.
Anyways just wanted to write so that people won't feel too offended if I became monosyllabic during conversations, or didn't reply their messages, answer their calls or don't check on them for a while. I still love you guys which is why I am going to become a recluse for a while.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
Your fav Stalker
AKA GIDI HAIR
talk to you when I become my normal chirpy self. Or figure out why I feel so angry.
Friday, July 10, 2009
RULING THE WORLD pt 2
Last night I thought seriously about the ink and the sword
All of a sudden , I put down my quill
Convinced myself that my lace gloves were ink stains
Instains I didn't want marring my person.
When the last trace of ink was gone from my hands
When from the sink , it was drained away;
I felt drained
Like I had suddenly become part of the violent mob.
One of the people that fought to get something better
Though they have the best thing in their clenched protesting fist.
I had become greedy
Falling away from the powerful.
I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror
Unable to look...
To really look at myself.
I rushed to my study,
Ran to the kiosk,
To the supermarket, The street Hawker
And finally to the beggar I saw people pass by on the street...
And got myself a pen.
I scribbled furiously,
On any surface I could come in contact with.
My receipts, The CD cover, the leather surface of my somewhat expensive bag an finally on my skin.
The skin I thought too precious to be marred.
And while I looked disheveled and almost lunatic,
I was proud and eager to look at myself
Find anything that could show me a reflection of myself.
I could see myself without even looking
And it felt better to be in control of the mobs that classify my life,
Than to lose that mob in search of a large crowd.
This is what happens when you begin to question your beliefs, some people find themselves, and some people just spend the rest of their lives looking.
All of a sudden , I put down my quill
Convinced myself that my lace gloves were ink stains
Instains I didn't want marring my person.
When the last trace of ink was gone from my hands
When from the sink , it was drained away;
I felt drained
Like I had suddenly become part of the violent mob.
One of the people that fought to get something better
Though they have the best thing in their clenched protesting fist.
I had become greedy
Falling away from the powerful.
I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror
Unable to look...
To really look at myself.
I rushed to my study,
Ran to the kiosk,
To the supermarket, The street Hawker
And finally to the beggar I saw people pass by on the street...
And got myself a pen.
I scribbled furiously,
On any surface I could come in contact with.
My receipts, The CD cover, the leather surface of my somewhat expensive bag an finally on my skin.
The skin I thought too precious to be marred.
And while I looked disheveled and almost lunatic,
I was proud and eager to look at myself
Find anything that could show me a reflection of myself.
I could see myself without even looking
And it felt better to be in control of the mobs that classify my life,
Than to lose that mob in search of a large crowd.
This is what happens when you begin to question your beliefs, some people find themselves, and some people just spend the rest of their lives looking.
RULING THE WORLD pt 1
Now to the piece that I actually was going to make my come back blog. You guys might not like it but ehn...
There was a time when I believe wholly, fully and without doubt that a pen is mightier than a sword.
And never even had a meta cognition about the meaning of or truth in that statement.
I walked around with my head always held up high,
Through the violent mob that constitutes my life
Because I was the strongest person, I knew.
Even as I held my chewed-beyond-repair Reynolds pen or Bic Biro, I had to flick with my ink stained hands every five minutes, I was still the strongest person I knew.
I could turn my chewed pen into an elegant quill
Make the act of constant flickering into the normalcy of dipping my peacock quill into my gold ink pot
And the ink stains quickly became the most expensive lace gloves in the world
I ruled the world and that violent mob with my ink-stained flickering hand.
And I ruled with my head held high.
Until...
There was a time when I believe wholly, fully and without doubt that a pen is mightier than a sword.
And never even had a meta cognition about the meaning of or truth in that statement.
I walked around with my head always held up high,
Through the violent mob that constitutes my life
Because I was the strongest person, I knew.
Even as I held my chewed-beyond-repair Reynolds pen or Bic Biro, I had to flick with my ink stained hands every five minutes, I was still the strongest person I knew.
I could turn my chewed pen into an elegant quill
Make the act of constant flickering into the normalcy of dipping my peacock quill into my gold ink pot
And the ink stains quickly became the most expensive lace gloves in the world
I ruled the world and that violent mob with my ink-stained flickering hand.
And I ruled with my head held high.
Until...
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Hello my stalkers,
So I was reading KOMMYTILA'S blog about payback. and I thought "why waste your newly acquired time on some guy that obviously not worth it". Cause let's think about it, you think about payback with a guy who you thought was your time but proved he isn't worth it. I have once seriously thought about payback with any of my exes, because while I might be hurt sometimes by what he has done, I prefer that he acted shitty instead of staying with me and having no feeling for me. Plus when a guy acts shitty in the end it makes it easier for you to get over him. When you start thinking bout how to pay him back for the shit you think he has done, you spend the time you should be spending catching up with important people and mending on the person who's hurt you. And while you sit and try making up the perfect scheme to get back at him or her, you make everyone around you miserable. Once, I tried to hate my ex for the longest time and it made me miserable because every time I bumped into him I'd go on and on about how I couldn't hate him and how maybe there could be hope for us, but once I accepted that we would have ended anyways and he did nothing other think of his own happiness I just stopped trying and started living my life. When you think about payback, you become aggressive and chase better people (guys and perspective friends) away. If the guy doesn't like you that way anymore no matter what you do it wouldn't hurt him, his ego might be bruised for the first hour but he will bounce back. So instead of living your life for this guy that you have classified as worthless, go out and do something you haven't done in a while something you love, something for yourself and bask yourself in the newly acquired power of doing something totally for yourself. You know how people are always at your beck and call when they know you are in pain, don't waste their sympathy use it top heal what you think may be a broken heart.
Once again if you think he is worthless enough to deserve pain, he is worthless enough to be erased from the list of people who deserve your time.. But also, don't hate someone for thinking about his happiness and ultimately your own happiness. If he is miserable in your relationship he will make you miserable. the longer you stay with him the more miserable you will be because you will be in a long term miserable relationship and when you guys break up you will be miserable because you will ask yourself why you stayed in a miserable relationship. So let him go, be happy that he is happy. I know it is hard but think about all the things you wanted to do all the times you wanted to go out all the time you wanted to cry or laugh, all the times you couldn't shop as long as you wanted to, all the decor you had to take of your wall because he taught they weren't right, all the times you had to smile at that one friend of his that you hate, all the times you had to cook even when you didn't want to, all the the times that can be classified as all the time just to please him. If you classify any of these things as all the unpleasurable times, he wasn't right. If he is no matter what after a while it will become a routine, not a separate section of your life.Your all the times will become life and while you hate it you will find a reason to love it-him.
xoxoxo
Your fav Stalker,
So I was reading KOMMYTILA'S blog about payback
Once again if you think he is worthless enough to deserve pain, he is worthless enough to be erased from the list of people who deserve your time.. But also, don't hate someone for thinking about his happiness and ultimately your own happiness. If he is miserable in your relationship he will make you miserable. the longer you stay with him the more miserable you will be because you will be in a long term miserable relationship and when you guys break up you will be miserable because you will ask yourself why you stayed in a miserable relationship. So let him go, be happy that he is happy. I know it is hard but think about all the things you wanted to do all the times you wanted to go out all the time you wanted to cry or laugh, all the times you couldn't shop as long as you wanted to, all the decor you had to take of your wall because he taught they weren't right, all the times you had to smile at that one friend of his that you hate, all the times you had to cook even when you didn't want to, all the the times that can be classified as all the time just to please him. If you classify any of these things as all the unpleasurable times, he wasn't right. If he is no matter what after a while it will become a routine, not a separate section of your life.Your all the times will become life and while you hate it you will find a reason to love it-him.
xoxoxo
Your fav Stalker,
Monday, June 15, 2009
READ AND READ :D
ok did you guys like my try on sappy poetry? I hated it! not my thing, I think I should stick to dark depressing poetry. Anyways. so yeah. I actually don't have anything out of the ordinary happening to me at this moment in my life. Well, maybe I do, but I am not going to sit and cry about depressing issues or depress you guys by talking about my really happy issues, and point out if I may, there are lots of happy issues right now. Anyways. I think I am going home early july, depends on when I can get my ticket for. So everyone brace yourself. you are going to be seeing for a while. Anyways. why do i keep on saying anyways! Oh yh I saw this mother and her daughter on the subway. And they looked so happy, I just saw my mum and me. and it dawned on me how, I concerntrate so much on learning from bad memories that unless I am forced to I don't remember good stuff. And I realised that I can learn more from my good stuff, lke figure out what I did right that made me so happy, instead of trying to take one glitch and making it so big. At a point in our life we are so worried about correcting the wrong that we forget about doing something right that would make us happy. Anyways. just wanted to point that out. Cuase the only wayy to be truely happy is to see the rain and dance because you know somewhere in the near future is a rainbow. Instead of seeing the rain and coursing it long after it ends that you forget to look up and miss your very own pot of gold.
Now to more pressing issues, Ife And kommytila I have to give you and object name.
Ife, I knight you OBJECT OF MY GIDIFFECTION
Kommytila, I knight you OBJECT OF ENTERTAINFFECTION
Now to more pressing issues, Ife And kommytila I have to give you and object name.
Ife, I knight you OBJECT OF MY GIDIFFECTION
Kommytila, I knight you OBJECT OF ENTERTAINFFECTION
my very own orchestra
Today I sit and wait
Laying by my phone, but not for the usual reason
I sit waiting because somehow I expect my head not to commit treason
I sit here, knowing that I will not be disappointed by the disappointment.
Somehow I know my head is right
When she whispers in my ear with her menacing voice
“the percentage is low that like you, he might”
But the little ember of hope is not my choice.
You see I have trained myself to expect the worse
I have told myself he’s not that into, time and time again
But this time while my mantra still plays there is a weak soloist telling me there’s something to gain
And for those few seconds, I want to believe that he might be my knight of a white horse.
But wait, I am scared of horses.
Do I really want to put myself through the torture of being swept unto a fast horse.
I try to tell myself that it might not be worth it
My weak soloist tells me that I may not know unless I try.
You see while I know that this might end badly,
I know that I would get at least one good memory.
So I am ready to plunge, just close my eyes and do it.
No I lie, my eyes would be open roaming wild, maybe not free.
But I am ready
As ready as I will be at this point in my life.
But if I don’t do anything , it will be as ready as I will be my whole life
Is it really worth the strife?
Soloist insists I will never know till I jump.
This is my plunge, a really big plunge,
Might seem like a walk down one flight of stairs for some.
But for me it is like jumping from the mount Everest right into the Atlantic.
Now I am laying by the phone for a very good usual reason
Expecting my head to commit a treason
Begging my phone to disagree with my head.
The soloist sounding like an empowered Opera singer by the second
Her verses becoming longer and louder.
Now she is helping me chant a new mantra.
RING RING RING!
And it keeps getting louder because I actually want it to ring.
But I know it is not going to unless he has an awakening like mine.
So I get another passionate supporter who is praying that he still does.
That I didn’t push this one away,
The way I do the others.
And she joins in this marvelous chant
RING RING RING!
But would it ring?
Would my orchestra be looked at through the eyes of a stranger?
Or would it be seen through the eyes of a listener and partaker of this chant?
RING RING RING! RING RING RING!
Laying by my phone, but not for the usual reason
I sit waiting because somehow I expect my head not to commit treason
I sit here, knowing that I will not be disappointed by the disappointment.
Somehow I know my head is right
When she whispers in my ear with her menacing voice
“the percentage is low that like you, he might”
But the little ember of hope is not my choice.
You see I have trained myself to expect the worse
I have told myself he’s not that into, time and time again
But this time while my mantra still plays there is a weak soloist telling me there’s something to gain
And for those few seconds, I want to believe that he might be my knight of a white horse.
But wait, I am scared of horses.
Do I really want to put myself through the torture of being swept unto a fast horse.
I try to tell myself that it might not be worth it
My weak soloist tells me that I may not know unless I try.
You see while I know that this might end badly,
I know that I would get at least one good memory.
So I am ready to plunge, just close my eyes and do it.
No I lie, my eyes would be open roaming wild, maybe not free.
But I am ready
As ready as I will be at this point in my life.
But if I don’t do anything , it will be as ready as I will be my whole life
Is it really worth the strife?
Soloist insists I will never know till I jump.
This is my plunge, a really big plunge,
Might seem like a walk down one flight of stairs for some.
But for me it is like jumping from the mount Everest right into the Atlantic.
Now I am laying by the phone for a very good usual reason
Expecting my head to commit a treason
Begging my phone to disagree with my head.
The soloist sounding like an empowered Opera singer by the second
Her verses becoming longer and louder.
Now she is helping me chant a new mantra.
RING RING RING!
And it keeps getting louder because I actually want it to ring.
But I know it is not going to unless he has an awakening like mine.
So I get another passionate supporter who is praying that he still does.
That I didn’t push this one away,
The way I do the others.
And she joins in this marvelous chant
RING RING RING!
But would it ring?
Would my orchestra be looked at through the eyes of a stranger?
Or would it be seen through the eyes of a listener and partaker of this chant?
RING RING RING! RING RING RING!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
CAN YOU LOVE AND HATE?
Hello my Favourite people, I know I promised to blog a long time ago but I have been having writier's block for ever. while before forever began I did write a blog by she who knows herself deleted it- by mistake- and my brain went on hibernate. but I am back! YAY!!!!
Ok I am going to answer HRM's question first before I write what i really really really want to write.
Can someone love and hate the same person at the same time? YES YES YES. Today I will give understandable and some not-easily-understandable instances.
1. So I was sitting with my friends in a hospital some days ago and we were talking about life in general and our interpretation of situations. One of the girls concluded that I was depressed because she thought I was too pessimistic- some of you may already know that I have a very wild imagination that tends to go the dark side of the road. I digress, anyways my close friend came with a counter argument, pointing out that what if I really wasn't depressed, but very realistic and I said things people tried to ignore. What does this have to do with the first instance? Well, every time I find myself REALLY liking (really being the key word)I see all the things that WILL go wrong because I like him. He might not like me that way, what if he is leading me on just for fun, what if he only dates me out of pity. Many people who have seen me in this state know that I start talking bout how we are going to break up and my reaction to finding him with another girl, my reaction to hearing he is cheating, what I would do if he ever hits me. Mind you while I am thinking about these scenarios I still REALLY like him but I also hate him for what I know he is going to do to me.
2. With every single person, when you REALLY like someone you find yourself doing things you wouldn't usually do. Even guys make so many sacrifices, that they would be ashamed of telling their buddies about, for their girl. And because these things are things that you are "supposed to do" for you spouse sometimes the other half of this relationship tends to forget to be grateful and you hate them for not noticing. Sometimes you find yourself doing more just so that they would notice, but even when they do they neglect to say thank you. Trust me you still feel for this person, if you didn't you'd have been out of the relationship a long time ago.
3. I think every one has been through a phase when you like someone SO MUCH that you start to hate yourself. Especially if the love is not returned. You see them do things that would normally turn you off, but you make excuses for them and sometimes blame yourself for it. When this begins to happen you start to hate this person for making you so weak, but you still can't help feeling that tingle every time you see them. And every time you send them a text, you check every second to see if they have responded, and you check for Facebook updates, even when you are going next door you put on make-up or you wear your best Nikes in case you see them, even though they are cities away from you.
I will say toddles after the next sentences. There are only two differences between love and hate. first is the fact that in love you hurt the receiver without intending to and in hate you intend to hurt. Secondly, In love you hurt yourself intentionally just cause it seems right and in hate the only right thing is hurting the other person. in both emotions, you become almost obsessed with the other half. you want to find out what makes them tick so you can get to them. you always want to be around. both are so powerful and leave a mark on both participants. Sometimes physically sometimes emotionally, sometimes mentally. Sometimes you find yourself standing on that thin line that differentiates both powerful emotions. After, the ups and downs some people choose the road less traveled and hurt just to make the other person happy, some people make themselves happy by hurting the other person, and only a handful choose to walk away and even when they do they carry an eon of one or both passions. Those who walk away unless they meet the former half never fully discard of this emotion because they are never really confronted with it's presence.
Ok I am going to answer HRM's question first before I write what i really really really want to write.
Can someone love and hate the same person at the same time? YES YES YES. Today I will give understandable and some not-easily-understandable instances.
1. So I was sitting with my friends in a hospital some days ago and we were talking about life in general and our interpretation of situations. One of the girls concluded that I was depressed because she thought I was too pessimistic- some of you may already know that I have a very wild imagination that tends to go the dark side of the road. I digress, anyways my close friend came with a counter argument, pointing out that what if I really wasn't depressed, but very realistic and I said things people tried to ignore. What does this have to do with the first instance? Well, every time I find myself REALLY liking (really being the key word)I see all the things that WILL go wrong because I like him. He might not like me that way, what if he is leading me on just for fun, what if he only dates me out of pity. Many people who have seen me in this state know that I start talking bout how we are going to break up and my reaction to finding him with another girl, my reaction to hearing he is cheating, what I would do if he ever hits me. Mind you while I am thinking about these scenarios I still REALLY like him but I also hate him for what I know he is going to do to me.
2. With every single person, when you REALLY like someone you find yourself doing things you wouldn't usually do. Even guys make so many sacrifices, that they would be ashamed of telling their buddies about, for their girl. And because these things are things that you are "supposed to do" for you spouse sometimes the other half of this relationship tends to forget to be grateful and you hate them for not noticing. Sometimes you find yourself doing more just so that they would notice, but even when they do they neglect to say thank you. Trust me you still feel for this person, if you didn't you'd have been out of the relationship a long time ago.
3. I think every one has been through a phase when you like someone SO MUCH that you start to hate yourself. Especially if the love is not returned. You see them do things that would normally turn you off, but you make excuses for them and sometimes blame yourself for it. When this begins to happen you start to hate this person for making you so weak, but you still can't help feeling that tingle every time you see them. And every time you send them a text, you check every second to see if they have responded, and you check for Facebook updates, even when you are going next door you put on make-up or you wear your best Nikes in case you see them, even though they are cities away from you.
I will say toddles after the next sentences. There are only two differences between love and hate. first is the fact that in love you hurt the receiver without intending to and in hate you intend to hurt. Secondly, In love you hurt yourself intentionally just cause it seems right and in hate the only right thing is hurting the other person. in both emotions, you become almost obsessed with the other half. you want to find out what makes them tick so you can get to them. you always want to be around. both are so powerful and leave a mark on both participants. Sometimes physically sometimes emotionally, sometimes mentally. Sometimes you find yourself standing on that thin line that differentiates both powerful emotions. After, the ups and downs some people choose the road less traveled and hurt just to make the other person happy, some people make themselves happy by hurting the other person, and only a handful choose to walk away and even when they do they carry an eon of one or both passions. Those who walk away unless they meet the former half never fully discard of this emotion because they are never really confronted with it's presence.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
mehn the mehn mehn
I'm having my out of body experience again. what's the use of the stupid therapist if immediately after I'm one, i feel the same way! Like I am so tired, normally cleaning helps, but my room's been in the same state of cleanliness (unusual)and i just cleaned the whole kitchen, which was worse than other days, but i still indifferent. Like everything is so peaceful, too peaceful, and I find myself thinking that there is a storm brewing in the not so distant future.
What scares me the most is that I am not afraid. And I know I am not making sense to some now, and i do not expect to make sense to anyone cuase I do not make sense to myself. Unlike every week, I am looking forward to writing my fictional and factual weekly journal to Mr. K but I can't because i am no longer his cupa tea.
Since I started taking my medication, well since the first pill, I have been feeling no feeling and sleeping! yeah i knew that it was supposed to make me sleep but I didn't expect to be numb! that was my problem in the first place. Maybe I am supposed to continue taking it, but hearing it's purpose put me in a mental shut down. I was supposed to see the Doctor on Tuesday, but I didn't feel like hearing what he had to say, so next Tuesday i am just going to fabricate another so he can give me a less depressing medication.
Maybe if everything becomes as chaotic as I am used to it being, I will feel better, MAYBE. But for now I am going to stick to saying "great" whenever someone says "How are you?" Who knows I might start feeling great when my brain tires of hearing and feeling two different things.
I can't wait to go home. I am almost certain that I will feel more sunny and brighter than the sun when I get home. but for now, I will just have to settle for Ife, Objection of my stalktation- HRM(sorry Bunny, I can't bump him to number two, the love is too strong) and Bunny (you can be the object of my public embarrasion). Ife think of what what object you want to be. But I love my Gidi family even if one of them is not actually a gidian. ninja you know I am talking to you.
Yours affectionately,
Object of your Objectification
aka gray smiles
nka (newly known as) Gidi Hair. :D
God I am razz!
What scares me the most is that I am not afraid. And I know I am not making sense to some now, and i do not expect to make sense to anyone cuase I do not make sense to myself. Unlike every week, I am looking forward to writing my fictional and factual weekly journal to Mr. K but I can't because i am no longer his cupa tea.
Since I started taking my medication, well since the first pill, I have been feeling no feeling and sleeping! yeah i knew that it was supposed to make me sleep but I didn't expect to be numb! that was my problem in the first place. Maybe I am supposed to continue taking it, but hearing it's purpose put me in a mental shut down. I was supposed to see the Doctor on Tuesday, but I didn't feel like hearing what he had to say, so next Tuesday i am just going to fabricate another so he can give me a less depressing medication.
Maybe if everything becomes as chaotic as I am used to it being, I will feel better, MAYBE. But for now I am going to stick to saying "great" whenever someone says "How are you?" Who knows I might start feeling great when my brain tires of hearing and feeling two different things.
I can't wait to go home. I am almost certain that I will feel more sunny and brighter than the sun when I get home. but for now, I will just have to settle for Ife, Objection of my stalktation- HRM(sorry Bunny, I can't bump him to number two, the love is too strong) and Bunny (you can be the object of my public embarrasion). Ife think of what what object you want to be. But I love my Gidi family even if one of them is not actually a gidian. ninja you know I am talking to you.
Yours affectionately,
Object of your Objectification
aka gray smiles
nka (newly known as) Gidi Hair. :D
God I am razz!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
ife inspired me
couldn't sleep. so i recorded myself singing. it's on facebook and on my mysapace. was gon put it on this ish just to give u guys sleepless nights, but i dunno how to. :D but u know i luff u! nyways. someone said my blog was getting dry so i'm gon try my best to shake things up. now i just remembered :shake shake shake into the fire. the light of God is moving in u, I know the truthh and it shall set u free. i'm gonna shake off the beast and i will feel alright. i guess I am already feeling alright cos I have started thinkin in songs again. YAY
Nyways big news. I sorta told my dad about my plan to go to culinary and make-up school and then get my wedding planners certificate. and he seemed really happy for me. He and my mum have been trying for a long time to get me passionate enough about anything to be able to see a future in it. so yeah. well, he did pretend like he did not notice that i was leaning towards the i wanna drop out conversation. as in he totally ignored it. he was like "I'll support u with whatever you do in conjuction with your degree". see how my father uses english to box me in. eventhough through-out the convo, i kept repeating next year, the man just said u r finishing ur degree. Kai mylife. Atleast he didnt call me crazy for coming to uni for 4 years and not even plan on using my major in the future. hmmmm... nyways I love my parents.
Like you can't even get tempted to lie. If i'm up early(late, he just says why are you up, i say cos i slept in the afternoon, and he says "so r u reading or watching a movie or chilling". and my mum is always like "is there gist?" and in the days when i was an interesting child, i would give her gist (eventhough those days are few and very inbetween).
Oh did my reading and contrary to my belief people listened and some understood. Maybe I should start putting faith in Nigerians (on second thought- No i need more reasons to be able to trust their judgement). well not all but the young ones around me.
OMG! since I turned 19 I have been becoming more irritable. as in it's bad. and now i'm more evil. if don't like something I come right out and say it or give the silent treatment. People say I am becoming more rude but ehn what d heck, if u were really important i would tie my lleg real tight for to be patient with you.
Didn't know I had so much to write about till I started. Turning nineteen has been a swell journey. like i thought it would be like other birthdays when i don't feel the difference. but with this birthday it's diff. maybe it's cause i have replaced some people with better people in my life, and I'm over my version of Swiss. but it feels great. oh and my whole body hurts like hell cos I stopped my pilates and abs and yoga for a while and i just started everything in full force.
P.s never do that.
I dunno if I am going for swag ball. and because I am on the fence preparation is going to be grueling. cos i don't wanna do my hair and go shopping if i'm not going, but what if i am going then i will have to rush things. people tell me what to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?
sas my indian friend just moved downtown and Happibunny is about to go! why??????? anyways such is life. my life is getting really uncomplicated but at the same time complicated.
me and my multicultural asian friends were tallking one night and my friend likes a guy but he is very honest (maybe too honest) and she knows he is not serious- relationship wise- and he might end up wanting something she isn't willing to do.
when she told me the fist one-third i was very happy for her but the other parts made me very skeptical. my other friends were like dont tell him you wont do it, just keep one telling him to be patient. but they kinda forgot that she doesn't know if he likes her yet and what sort of relationshp he wants. for some reason they think i know a lot about relationships, so i have the task of finding a way to find out if he likes her, how to get him serious enuf for a relationship and to put having the ish off. I don't know this ish, cos the last time i had a relationship wasalmost 2 years ago n i didnt have to deal with it. why am i telling this story? cos i know my faithful stalkers have the answer: please give me suggestions. i kinda like being the relationshipless relationship guru.
P.P.S I lost the life of the party award to a guy that doesn't go partying- I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNCOOL! and stupid thing is that the day before they all sat down and said how i should win. this is why u shouldn't "steal" girls boyfrens so that when u need votes u'll get enough. happibunny thats a lesson to u. HRM i am not mentions u in my blog because u gave me ela twice in the past 7 days. imagine raisng my hopes upp like that. Happibunny n Ife u got some solving to do. u know i only hv my problems once in a while. so cashia lera.
Nyways big news. I sorta told my dad about my plan to go to culinary and make-up school and then get my wedding planners certificate. and he seemed really happy for me. He and my mum have been trying for a long time to get me passionate enough about anything to be able to see a future in it. so yeah. well, he did pretend like he did not notice that i was leaning towards the i wanna drop out conversation. as in he totally ignored it. he was like "I'll support u with whatever you do in conjuction with your degree". see how my father uses english to box me in. eventhough through-out the convo, i kept repeating next year, the man just said u r finishing ur degree. Kai mylife. Atleast he didnt call me crazy for coming to uni for 4 years and not even plan on using my major in the future. hmmmm... nyways I love my parents.
Like you can't even get tempted to lie. If i'm up early(late, he just says why are you up, i say cos i slept in the afternoon, and he says "so r u reading or watching a movie or chilling". and my mum is always like "is there gist?" and in the days when i was an interesting child, i would give her gist (eventhough those days are few and very inbetween).
Oh did my reading and contrary to my belief people listened and some understood. Maybe I should start putting faith in Nigerians (on second thought- No i need more reasons to be able to trust their judgement). well not all but the young ones around me.
OMG! since I turned 19 I have been becoming more irritable. as in it's bad. and now i'm more evil. if don't like something I come right out and say it or give the silent treatment. People say I am becoming more rude but ehn what d heck, if u were really important i would tie my lleg real tight for to be patient with you.
Didn't know I had so much to write about till I started. Turning nineteen has been a swell journey. like i thought it would be like other birthdays when i don't feel the difference. but with this birthday it's diff. maybe it's cause i have replaced some people with better people in my life, and I'm over my version of Swiss. but it feels great. oh and my whole body hurts like hell cos I stopped my pilates and abs and yoga for a while and i just started everything in full force.
P.s never do that.
I dunno if I am going for swag ball. and because I am on the fence preparation is going to be grueling. cos i don't wanna do my hair and go shopping if i'm not going, but what if i am going then i will have to rush things. people tell me what to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?
sas my indian friend just moved downtown and Happibunny is about to go! why??????? anyways such is life. my life is getting really uncomplicated but at the same time complicated.
me and my multicultural asian friends were tallking one night and my friend likes a guy but he is very honest (maybe too honest) and she knows he is not serious- relationship wise- and he might end up wanting something she isn't willing to do.
when she told me the fist one-third i was very happy for her but the other parts made me very skeptical. my other friends were like dont tell him you wont do it, just keep one telling him to be patient. but they kinda forgot that she doesn't know if he likes her yet and what sort of relationshp he wants. for some reason they think i know a lot about relationships, so i have the task of finding a way to find out if he likes her, how to get him serious enuf for a relationship and to put having the ish off. I don't know this ish, cos the last time i had a relationship wasalmost 2 years ago n i didnt have to deal with it. why am i telling this story? cos i know my faithful stalkers have the answer: please give me suggestions. i kinda like being the relationshipless relationship guru.
P.P.S I lost the life of the party award to a guy that doesn't go partying- I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNCOOL! and stupid thing is that the day before they all sat down and said how i should win. this is why u shouldn't "steal" girls boyfrens so that when u need votes u'll get enough. happibunny thats a lesson to u. HRM i am not mentions u in my blog because u gave me ela twice in the past 7 days. imagine raisng my hopes upp like that. Happibunny n Ife u got some solving to do. u know i only hv my problems once in a while. so cashia lera.
Monday, April 27, 2009
I know
I know I promised a certain stalker that7 I would update my blog but i have writer's block. :( happens when u have to write everyday (occupational hazard). so I am going to write tomorrow and detail everything that is note worthy that has happened to me in the past week. quiet a lot actually. for now i'm watching every single episode of the Nanny for the umpteenth time. it gets better every time. My body hurts so much ryt now. never thought i could go up to 30 mins with only 10 secs break. but i did.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
SERIOUS TALK
As you all know I am poet before a columnist or a novelist. So today I am going to write a poem. Like most of my poetry, it is a mixture of fact and fiction. WHY? well this poem will explain why I have to mix reality plus the "unreal". it will also explain a lot of things I do and why I cannot stop myself from doing them. The fiction that inspires me to do this is the movie The Secret Life of The Bees. if you have read any of my works then you may be inclined to ask why most of my writing is centered on pain. Well, this will explain why.
Ever since I was little, I depended on the feelings of others
Every opinion I have is based on the Vibes I get from people's feelings.
My mother calls me Mother Christmas,
She knows whenever I see someone in need I can't help but try.
Although I grow, this afflictions refuses to go away,
I think as long as I live it will stay.
When people shake their heads because I have chosen yet another stray,
I know they are going to do the same when that stray turns around to bite me.
I expect a bite from every stray I meet,
And so far no one has disappointed me.
Even though I know what to expect, I still pick up a stray.
Why?
Because the pain I get from seeing a stray is worse than their bite when they are stronger.
You see, I am ecstatic when they bite because it shows that they are strong enough to walk alone.
Sometimes their bite may be weak; so I stand by the door.
Waiting for them to come back.
And you see, they never disappoint me in that aspect either.
And even when people think I have no emotions, no feelings, no opinions of my .
I do not get angry at their thoughts.
WHY?
Because I know that being able to bear only the feelings of others, their emotions and opinions, gives more pain than having yours.
You see, I cannot get angry at this people because I am happy that their load is light.
I happy happy that they can depend on me.
I am happy that at least in the morning they have hope that their tears will end.
And in their whole life time all the tears they cry will not amount to a puddle
Because my heart is filled with their seas and oceans,
Bodies of water I can unload once in a blue moon.
A blue moon that I face alone in the quiet stillness and rumbling of my soul.
So when someone calls me Mother Christmas, Mama Africa, Mother to the whole world,
I accept it because I learned that maybe that's all I can ever be.
It is all I have ever been.
I am the one who toils in her sleep, to make everyone smile while she is too tired to do the same.
Cause then and only then does the sea level in my heart reduce without so much agony.
It is when the sunshine radiating from their hearts burn some of the unshed tears away.
The Sun from the friends and family that make it their duty to laugh at my jokes (even the unfunny ones). Friends that don't understand why I do the things I do, but stand by me and take care of me when the stray's bite is worse than I anticipated.
Oh can u guys believe I cried when I watched a movie?!??1?/1?! The only other movie I cried for was Sex and the City. WOW
Ever since I was little, I depended on the feelings of others
Every opinion I have is based on the Vibes I get from people's feelings.
My mother calls me Mother Christmas,
She knows whenever I see someone in need I can't help but try.
Although I grow, this afflictions refuses to go away,
I think as long as I live it will stay.
When people shake their heads because I have chosen yet another stray,
I know they are going to do the same when that stray turns around to bite me.
I expect a bite from every stray I meet,
And so far no one has disappointed me.
Even though I know what to expect, I still pick up a stray.
Why?
Because the pain I get from seeing a stray is worse than their bite when they are stronger.
You see, I am ecstatic when they bite because it shows that they are strong enough to walk alone.
Sometimes their bite may be weak; so I stand by the door.
Waiting for them to come back.
And you see, they never disappoint me in that aspect either.
And even when people think I have no emotions, no feelings, no opinions of my .
I do not get angry at their thoughts.
WHY?
Because I know that being able to bear only the feelings of others, their emotions and opinions, gives more pain than having yours.
You see, I cannot get angry at this people because I am happy that their load is light.
I happy happy that they can depend on me.
I am happy that at least in the morning they have hope that their tears will end.
And in their whole life time all the tears they cry will not amount to a puddle
Because my heart is filled with their seas and oceans,
Bodies of water I can unload once in a blue moon.
A blue moon that I face alone in the quiet stillness and rumbling of my soul.
So when someone calls me Mother Christmas, Mama Africa, Mother to the whole world,
I accept it because I learned that maybe that's all I can ever be.
It is all I have ever been.
I am the one who toils in her sleep, to make everyone smile while she is too tired to do the same.
Cause then and only then does the sea level in my heart reduce without so much agony.
It is when the sunshine radiating from their hearts burn some of the unshed tears away.
The Sun from the friends and family that make it their duty to laugh at my jokes (even the unfunny ones). Friends that don't understand why I do the things I do, but stand by me and take care of me when the stray's bite is worse than I anticipated.
Oh can u guys believe I cried when I watched a movie?!??1?/1?! The only other movie I cried for was Sex and the City. WOW
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I HAVE A DREAM
Today has been quite uninteresting.
I just got good news from my brother, very soon i shall be 5 dollars richer.! can u believe that!
I still dunno what I wanna do for my Birthday and it's fast approaching. How do I know? Well, it's my birthday and I know that instead of the usual 60 min/hour time frame, the days have suddenly become faster and the hours are now only 30 minutes long. I know eh, even nature can't wait for me to be a yer older. How old am I? well, since I am about to leave the age behind, I will give you a clue and a minute before my birthday, I'll tell u if I remember.
The clue: I am a very young child.:D
Oh yh nd the other reason I know my birthday is fast approaching is because tomorrow is my dearest mummy's birthday.
P.S the fact that we r n the middle of the month and my birthday is at the end of the same month has nothing to do with my knowledge.
please don't ask me what I want. I will, however, make my birthday shopping a lot easier for you by telling you what I love.
I like the whole Wii Fit thing, its so rad, I see myself having one but I cant figure out what I need to have one, like do I need a Nintendo console? Can I just buy the board and plug it to the T.v and begin the whole thing? things like that.
My friend. SHE WHO DOESN'T EAT UNLESS I COOK, got me a make-up book and it was so lovely, that shows that she knows what I like. In the make-up book, it said a real make-up artist has to have all the brushes in two sets: real hair and synthetic set of professional make-up brushes. I think its a great idea having two complete sets having two complete sets.
they would help enhance the look of the new size 81/2 pairs of shoes I am going to get. I already see the shoes, really high fancy heels and maybe some nice pairs of flats with lovely totes to match. hmmmm.
something that will look nice directly under the new fashion picture or painting I am going to get. the painting that would look nicer in my room that the spa that I am going to spend a day at. Wow I have such great friends and a wonderful brother!
Oh yeah back from my dreamland that my love ones are going to make a reality.
So, you know how when you become a year older you don't really feel it. well my case is going to be different, cause immediately I turn a year older (haha u thought i was going to say my age), my maturity is going to be tested-i hope i pass- the worst test a girl can ever take. Lord help. I am going to celebrate my mum's birthday tomorrow. I dunno what to do. I guess I have to call her and find out what she wants me to do. :D kk I am going back to my sick bed.
Oh hello Object of my Stalktation, u do know your are part of my love ones. :)
I just got good news from my brother, very soon i shall be 5 dollars richer.! can u believe that!
I still dunno what I wanna do for my Birthday and it's fast approaching. How do I know? Well, it's my birthday and I know that instead of the usual 60 min/hour time frame, the days have suddenly become faster and the hours are now only 30 minutes long. I know eh, even nature can't wait for me to be a yer older. How old am I? well, since I am about to leave the age behind, I will give you a clue and a minute before my birthday, I'll tell u if I remember.
The clue: I am a very young child.:D
Oh yh nd the other reason I know my birthday is fast approaching is because tomorrow is my dearest mummy's birthday.
P.S the fact that we r n the middle of the month and my birthday is at the end of the same month has nothing to do with my knowledge.
please don't ask me what I want. I will, however, make my birthday shopping a lot easier for you by telling you what I love.
I like the whole Wii Fit thing, its so rad, I see myself having one but I cant figure out what I need to have one, like do I need a Nintendo console? Can I just buy the board and plug it to the T.v and begin the whole thing? things like that.
My friend. SHE WHO DOESN'T EAT UNLESS I COOK, got me a make-up book and it was so lovely, that shows that she knows what I like. In the make-up book, it said a real make-up artist has to have all the brushes in two sets: real hair and synthetic set of professional make-up brushes. I think its a great idea having two complete sets having two complete sets.
they would help enhance the look of the new size 81/2 pairs of shoes I am going to get. I already see the shoes, really high fancy heels and maybe some nice pairs of flats with lovely totes to match. hmmmm.
something that will look nice directly under the new fashion picture or painting I am going to get. the painting that would look nicer in my room that the spa that I am going to spend a day at. Wow I have such great friends and a wonderful brother!
Oh yeah back from my dreamland that my love ones are going to make a reality.
So, you know how when you become a year older you don't really feel it. well my case is going to be different, cause immediately I turn a year older (haha u thought i was going to say my age), my maturity is going to be tested-i hope i pass- the worst test a girl can ever take. Lord help. I am going to celebrate my mum's birthday tomorrow. I dunno what to do. I guess I have to call her and find out what she wants me to do. :D kk I am going back to my sick bed.
Oh hello Object of my Stalktation, u do know your are part of my love ones. :)
Monday, April 13, 2009
REPLY TO THE OBJECT OF MY FAITHFUL STALKTATION :D
So a friend of mine wrote something bout excuses women make and when i pointed out the fact that men make the same excuses, he told me that it was up to a girl to attack this grievance. Well, i think he is right so I am going to attack the male species today.
The excuse in Question ? "I just got out of a relationship, I am not ready for another one. Let's just have fun"
My problem with this excuse? I have more than one problem, but I will start with the error in timing. Every guy that I have heard make this excuse ended their relationship at least two months before the conversation. one day is just, one week is just, two weeks is just, three weeks is not just, a month is not just, two months baby is a life time! Two months is enough to get over a girl who you realize was a complete bitch!
Yes I know I said I had many problems with this excuse, so I will get on with my second problem. Most guys that make this excuse were the ones who approached the girl and even brought up the whole relationship topic. Most girls I know would never prod a guy to ask them to be in a relationship. In fact, most girls would wait patiently for the guy to realize that he wants to be in a serious relationship(at least I did). So why bring up this supposed dreaded topic if you don't want to talk about it. Don't put ideas in our heads if you are not ready to follow up.
My next problem. SPECIFY! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY A RELATIONSHIP? Cos even fun can be classified as a relationship. friendship is a relationship, sex buddies= a relationship, friends with benefit= a relationship, unofficial boyfriend/girlfriend= a relationship, official boyfriend/girlfriend= a SERIOUS relationship. So Buster by saying you are not ready for a relationship you haven't actually knocked your point across. And do not go about wondering why a girl refuses to have "fun" with you cause I will save your time by telling you. TWO SECONDS AGO YOU JUST TOLD HER YOU WERE NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. To us girls the only thing that doesn't qualify as a relationship is a one night stand with a total stranger you are never going to meet in your life.
My last issue with this excuse. Don't give us the BULLSHIT. we all know that when a guy tells you that it means we don't want you. Why then do girls hope for the best? Cause we like you enough to think you might be our exemption. we like you enough to believe that you might become ready for us. That's why even after you nonsensical speech we stick around, call all day, send text messages pretending it was meant for someone else, email, tag you in fcbk notes and do whatever you ask us to. So if you really don't like a girl that way at least respect her enough to say, I DO NOT LIKE YOU AS ANYTHING ELSE BUT A FRIEND. And trust me you will still have a friend at the end of the day, instead of making enemies out of all her friends.
I know I said many problems and this might not feel like a lot of issues, but they can drag for a very long time and I am unaashamed to say I speak from experience. So guys please get to the point and stop trying to spare our feelings
The excuse in Question ? "I just got out of a relationship, I am not ready for another one. Let's just have fun"
My problem with this excuse? I have more than one problem, but I will start with the error in timing. Every guy that I have heard make this excuse ended their relationship at least two months before the conversation. one day is just, one week is just, two weeks is just, three weeks is not just, a month is not just, two months baby is a life time! Two months is enough to get over a girl who you realize was a complete bitch!
Yes I know I said I had many problems with this excuse, so I will get on with my second problem. Most guys that make this excuse were the ones who approached the girl and even brought up the whole relationship topic. Most girls I know would never prod a guy to ask them to be in a relationship. In fact, most girls would wait patiently for the guy to realize that he wants to be in a serious relationship(at least I did). So why bring up this supposed dreaded topic if you don't want to talk about it. Don't put ideas in our heads if you are not ready to follow up.
My next problem. SPECIFY! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY A RELATIONSHIP? Cos even fun can be classified as a relationship. friendship is a relationship, sex buddies= a relationship, friends with benefit= a relationship, unofficial boyfriend/girlfriend= a relationship, official boyfriend/girlfriend= a SERIOUS relationship. So Buster by saying you are not ready for a relationship you haven't actually knocked your point across. And do not go about wondering why a girl refuses to have "fun" with you cause I will save your time by telling you. TWO SECONDS AGO YOU JUST TOLD HER YOU WERE NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. To us girls the only thing that doesn't qualify as a relationship is a one night stand with a total stranger you are never going to meet in your life.
My last issue with this excuse. Don't give us the BULLSHIT. we all know that when a guy tells you that it means we don't want you. Why then do girls hope for the best? Cause we like you enough to think you might be our exemption. we like you enough to believe that you might become ready for us. That's why even after you nonsensical speech we stick around, call all day, send text messages pretending it was meant for someone else, email, tag you in fcbk notes and do whatever you ask us to. So if you really don't like a girl that way at least respect her enough to say, I DO NOT LIKE YOU AS ANYTHING ELSE BUT A FRIEND. And trust me you will still have a friend at the end of the day, instead of making enemies out of all her friends.
I know I said many problems and this might not feel like a lot of issues, but they can drag for a very long time and I am unaashamed to say I speak from experience. So guys please get to the point and stop trying to spare our feelings
Friday, February 20, 2009
A near Death Experience
I don't know what I was thinking;
I really don't have any feelings for you,
In fact, I do not consider you a friend.
But I sentt you a message anyways.
I don't know what I was thinking;
How could I have believed I was ready,
When I know deep inside my heart I am waiting for my ONE.
But I sent you that message anyways.
I don't know what I was thinking;
But I know I don't want that night to get that far when it began,
I just wanted a distraction.
But it went that far anyways.
I do not know what I was thinking;
When I pretended to like what you were doing,
Though I know where it was going.
But it went that far anyways.
I do know what I was doing;
When I told you to stop,
Got up and left your house.
Hope it did not get that far anyways.
I do know what went through my mind;
When I saw the stain,
I was scared to the black hole of my soul.
But I know it did not get farther thann that.
I do know what I would have done;
If you became my first because of a stupid night,
the very core of me would have shattered.
Thank God I did not go farther than that.
I do know what I want to do;
You obviously are not my ONE,
Even if you were my ONE I would have to walk down the sacred corridor.
For my to ever get that far again.
I really don't have any feelings for you,
In fact, I do not consider you a friend.
But I sentt you a message anyways.
I don't know what I was thinking;
How could I have believed I was ready,
When I know deep inside my heart I am waiting for my ONE.
But I sent you that message anyways.
I don't know what I was thinking;
But I know I don't want that night to get that far when it began,
I just wanted a distraction.
But it went that far anyways.
I do not know what I was thinking;
When I pretended to like what you were doing,
Though I know where it was going.
But it went that far anyways.
I do know what I was doing;
When I told you to stop,
Got up and left your house.
Hope it did not get that far anyways.
I do know what went through my mind;
When I saw the stain,
I was scared to the black hole of my soul.
But I know it did not get farther thann that.
I do know what I would have done;
If you became my first because of a stupid night,
the very core of me would have shattered.
Thank God I did not go farther than that.
I do know what I want to do;
You obviously are not my ONE,
Even if you were my ONE I would have to walk down the sacred corridor.
For my to ever get that far again.
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