Monday, June 15, 2009

my very own orchestra

Today I sit and wait
Laying by my phone, but not for the usual reason
I sit waiting because somehow I expect my head not to commit treason
I sit here, knowing that I will not be disappointed by the disappointment.

Somehow I know my head is right
When she whispers in my ear with her menacing voice
“the percentage is low that like you, he might”
But the little ember of hope is not my choice.

You see I have trained myself to expect the worse
I have told myself he’s not that into, time and time again
But this time while my mantra still plays there is a weak soloist telling me there’s something to gain
And for those few seconds, I want to believe that he might be my knight of a white horse.

But wait, I am scared of horses.
Do I really want to put myself through the torture of being swept unto a fast horse.
I try to tell myself that it might not be worth it
My weak soloist tells me that I may not know unless I try.

You see while I know that this might end badly,
I know that I would get at least one good memory.
So I am ready to plunge, just close my eyes and do it.
No I lie, my eyes would be open roaming wild, maybe not free.
But I am ready
As ready as I will be at this point in my life.
But if I don’t do anything , it will be as ready as I will be my whole life
Is it really worth the strife?
Soloist insists I will never know till I jump.
This is my plunge, a really big plunge,
Might seem like a walk down one flight of stairs for some.
But for me it is like jumping from the mount Everest right into the Atlantic.

Now I am laying by the phone for a very good usual reason
Expecting my head to commit a treason
Begging my phone to disagree with my head.
The soloist sounding like an empowered Opera singer by the second
Her verses becoming longer and louder.
Now she is helping me chant a new mantra.
RING RING RING!
And it keeps getting louder because I actually want it to ring.
But I know it is not going to unless he has an awakening like mine.
So I get another passionate supporter who is praying that he still does.
That I didn’t push this one away,
The way I do the others.
And she joins in this marvelous chant
RING RING RING!
But would it ring?
Would my orchestra be looked at through the eyes of a stranger?
Or would it be seen through the eyes of a listener and partaker of this chant?
RING RING RING! RING RING RING!

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