A very public and much needed break up

When I first decided to cut my hair and go all natural I did so purely out of boredom. I needed a change so I sit off all my hair after blowing it out and straightening it. It was so simple; no sense of loss or betrayal as the locks fell to the ground. No sense of pride either; I just cut my hair.

Now, more than two years into the natural hair "membership/movement", I am bored once again. Unlike during the big chop, I am feeling pangs of guilt. In the past years I have had people come up to me to congratulate me on embracing my culture? I use a question mark because those compliments leave me very confused. Was I rejecting my culture before? What culture do they speak of? Does my natural hair curl to spell out nigerian, yoruba or igede on my forehead? Was my hair controlling my actions: was I somehow dancing an "african dance" as I walked? Did my accent somehow change or did I start to speak another language? Did I attend a black hair campaign? Did I pledge an allegiance to my tight curls? Did my natural hair come with tribal marks only visible to other beholders? So many questions. I am confused as to how my hair has suddenly made me an ambassador of my "black/african" roots. 

It also irks me that when I put my "natural" (I put natural in quotes because I don't know if my relaxed hair has suddenly become fake or no longer mine) hair in the same bun I used to put it in when it was relaxed, people ask me when I am going to do my hair. Or ask if everything is ok. Why should my hair be the focus and representative of me when I am standing right in front of you. Why should my hair speak for me when my mouth is just chilling right under it waiting to be used. Honestly, I have hung unto my natural hair membership mainly to irritate my mother. 

When I tell people that I am planning on relaxing my hair, I get "oh but it's so beautiful". It's like my hair is a person on it's own. A parasite whose opinion matters more than that of its host (me) - Yes I am slightly envious. But sometimes I feel guilt; that I may somehow be less of a cultural ambassador, that I am letting all the natural hair aspirants down. But alas, I am too bored to stay in this club, I need options. Maybe one day I will reactivate my membership but for now I need a break, a long break! Cutting my hair, dyeing it, relaxing it, texturing it, putting it up in braids cannot be the focus of our lives. I might stick with this hair longer if I find something new that tickles my fancy but really it could go any way. 

I no longer care and you shouldn't. Try not to bring people down because they are not walking the path you have chosen for yourself.