lol

With all the vehemence in me, I spit out
"I'd die a thousand deaths before..."
My spat is cut short when I see the look in his eyes, he's is begging me not to complete it but I know his mind is asking "before what?"
How do I know? He has on this pained expression, but his eyes bore into mine as if to say, 'go ahead complete it if you dare' Can I complete it?

I don't know if I can bring myself to hurt him, by telling him a lie, to hurt myself. But I need an effective way to push him away, a way to make him run so fast so far in the opposite direction. Usually I am really good at doing this, I always do it, so by now you'd think it'd be easier. But with him, it's so hard.
So I try again "I will die a thousand deaths..." this time I try not to look at his face but even then I cannot complete it because I know this is all a lie. I know that from the moment I complete it I will be living a huge lie. I would walk, talk, sleep, breathe and dwindle in the lie.
But I can't not lie, because if i don't I will have to tell the truth the whole truth, a truth I don't think am ready to part with.

I dare to look up, to let myself get sucked into the milky chocolate swirls of his eyes and I want to tell him. To let it flow, let everything come out, but I know if it is out it is always going to be hanging around both of us. With it hidden it is just hanging above my head. You see that's why it was so easy before, no one ever attempted to share it with me, no one knew it was there in the first place. We say nothing but speak volumes. Now I am the one who is begging him not to let me complete it, who is trying to mask the pain. But he sees it.

"before?"
I close my eyes as if to say "please let's forget this"
"before?"
in my head i say "please don't make me talk about this, don't let me make my issues your problem"
"but it is my problem," I guess i didn't really say that in my head.
"no it's not, I don't want it to be."
At this point I don't know if I should make my story an emotional tragedy or a nostalgic one, so we just sit and look at each other. The silence is slowly becoming awkward.

the end. :D