Hello my stalkers,

So I was reading KOMMYTILA'S blog about payback . and I thought "why waste your newly acquired time on some guy that obviously not worth it". Cause let's think about it, you think about payback with a guy who you thought was your time but proved he isn't worth it. I have once seriously thought about payback with any of my exes, because while I might be hurt sometimes by what he has done, I prefer that he acted shitty instead of staying with me and having no feeling for me. Plus when a guy acts shitty in the end it makes it easier for you to get over him. When you start thinking bout how to pay him back for the shit you think he has done, you spend the time you should be spending catching up with important people and mending on the person who's hurt you. And while you sit and try making up the perfect scheme to get back at him or her, you make everyone around you miserable. Once, I tried to hate my ex for the longest time and it made me miserable because every time I bumped into him I'd go on and on about how I couldn't hate him and how maybe there could be hope for us, but once I accepted that we would have ended anyways and he did nothing other think of his own happiness I just stopped trying and started living my life. When you think about payback, you become aggressive and chase better people (guys and perspective friends) away. If the guy doesn't like you that way anymore no matter what you do it wouldn't hurt him, his ego might be bruised for the first hour but he will bounce back. So instead of living your life for this guy that you have classified as worthless, go out and do something you haven't done in a while something you love, something for yourself and bask yourself in the newly acquired power of doing something totally for yourself. You know how people are always at your beck and call when they know you are in pain, don't waste their sympathy use it top heal what you think may be a broken heart.

Once again if you think he is worthless enough to deserve pain, he is worthless enough to be erased from the list of people who deserve your time.. But also, don't hate someone for thinking about his happiness and ultimately your own happiness. If he is miserable in your relationship he will make you miserable. the longer you stay with him the more miserable you will be because you will be in a long term miserable relationship and when you guys break up you will be miserable because you will ask yourself why you stayed in a miserable relationship. So let him go, be happy that he is happy. I know it is hard but think about all the things you wanted to do all the times you wanted to go out all the time you wanted to cry or laugh, all the times you couldn't shop as long as you wanted to, all the decor you had to take of your wall because he taught they weren't right, all the times you had to smile at that one friend of his that you hate, all the times you had to cook even when you didn't want to, all the the times that can be classified as all the time just to please him. If you classify any of these things as all the unpleasurable times, he wasn't right. If he is no matter what after a while it will become a routine, not a separate section of your life.Your all the times will become life and while you hate it you will find a reason to love it-him.

xoxoxo
Your fav Stalker,

READ AND READ :D

ok did you guys like my try on sappy poetry? I hated it! not my thing, I think I should stick to dark depressing poetry. Anyways. so yeah. I actually don't have anything out of the ordinary happening to me at this moment in my life. Well, maybe I do, but I am not going to sit and cry about depressing issues or depress you guys by talking about my really happy issues, and point out if I may, there are lots of happy issues right now. Anyways. I think I am going home early july, depends on when I can get my ticket for. So everyone brace yourself. you are going to be seeing for a while. Anyways. why do i keep on saying anyways! Oh yh I saw this mother and her daughter on the subway. And they looked so happy, I just saw my mum and me. and it dawned on me how, I concerntrate so much on learning from bad memories that unless I am forced to I don't remember good stuff. And I realised that I can learn more from my good stuff, lke figure out what I did right that made me so happy, instead of trying to take one glitch and making it so big. At a point in our life we are so worried about correcting the wrong that we forget about doing something right that would make us happy. Anyways. just wanted to point that out. Cuase the only wayy to be truely happy is to see the rain and dance because you know somewhere in the near future is a rainbow. Instead of seeing the rain and coursing it long after it ends that you forget to look up and miss your very own pot of gold.

Now to more pressing issues, Ife And kommytila I have to give you and object name.
Ife, I knight you OBJECT OF MY GIDIFFECTION
Kommytila, I knight you OBJECT OF ENTERTAINFFECTION

my very own orchestra

Today I sit and wait
Laying by my phone, but not for the usual reason
I sit waiting because somehow I expect my head not to commit treason
I sit here, knowing that I will not be disappointed by the disappointment.

Somehow I know my head is right
When she whispers in my ear with her menacing voice
“the percentage is low that like you, he might”
But the little ember of hope is not my choice.

You see I have trained myself to expect the worse
I have told myself he’s not that into, time and time again
But this time while my mantra still plays there is a weak soloist telling me there’s something to gain
And for those few seconds, I want to believe that he might be my knight of a white horse.

But wait, I am scared of horses.
Do I really want to put myself through the torture of being swept unto a fast horse.
I try to tell myself that it might not be worth it
My weak soloist tells me that I may not know unless I try.

You see while I know that this might end badly,
I know that I would get at least one good memory.
So I am ready to plunge, just close my eyes and do it.
No I lie, my eyes would be open roaming wild, maybe not free.
But I am ready
As ready as I will be at this point in my life.
But if I don’t do anything , it will be as ready as I will be my whole life
Is it really worth the strife?
Soloist insists I will never know till I jump.
This is my plunge, a really big plunge,
Might seem like a walk down one flight of stairs for some.
But for me it is like jumping from the mount Everest right into the Atlantic.

Now I am laying by the phone for a very good usual reason
Expecting my head to commit a treason
Begging my phone to disagree with my head.
The soloist sounding like an empowered Opera singer by the second
Her verses becoming longer and louder.
Now she is helping me chant a new mantra.
RING RING RING!
And it keeps getting louder because I actually want it to ring.
But I know it is not going to unless he has an awakening like mine.
So I get another passionate supporter who is praying that he still does.
That I didn’t push this one away,
The way I do the others.
And she joins in this marvelous chant
RING RING RING!
But would it ring?
Would my orchestra be looked at through the eyes of a stranger?
Or would it be seen through the eyes of a listener and partaker of this chant?
RING RING RING! RING RING RING!

CAN YOU LOVE AND HATE?

Hello my Favourite people, I know I promised to blog a long time ago but I have been having writier's block for ever. while before forever began I did write a blog by she who knows herself deleted it- by mistake- and my brain went on hibernate. but I am back! YAY!!!!

Ok I am going to answer HRM's question first before I write what i really really really want to write.

Can someone love and hate the same person at the same time? YES YES YES. Today I will give understandable and some not-easily-understandable instances.

1. So I was sitting with my friends in a hospital some days ago and we were talking about life in general and our interpretation of situations. One of the girls concluded that I was depressed because she thought I was too pessimistic- some of you may already know that I have a very wild imagination that tends to go the dark side of the road. I digress, anyways my close friend came with a counter argument, pointing out that what if I really wasn't depressed, but very realistic and I said things people tried to ignore. What does this have to do with the first instance? Well, every time I find myself REALLY liking (really being the key word)I see all the things that WILL go wrong because I like him. He might not like me that way, what if he is leading me on just for fun, what if he only dates me out of pity. Many people who have seen me in this state know that I start talking bout how we are going to break up and my reaction to finding him with another girl, my reaction to hearing he is cheating, what I would do if he ever hits me. Mind you while I am thinking about these scenarios I still REALLY like him but I also hate him for what I know he is going to do to me.

2. With every single person, when you REALLY like someone you find yourself doing things you wouldn't usually do. Even guys make so many sacrifices, that they would be ashamed of telling their buddies about, for their girl. And because these things are things that you are "supposed to do" for you spouse sometimes the other half of this relationship tends to forget to be grateful and you hate them for not noticing. Sometimes you find yourself doing more just so that they would notice, but even when they do they neglect to say thank you. Trust me you still feel for this person, if you didn't you'd have been out of the relationship a long time ago.

3. I think every one has been through a phase when you like someone SO MUCH that you start to hate yourself. Especially if the love is not returned. You see them do things that would normally turn you off, but you make excuses for them and sometimes blame yourself for it. When this begins to happen you start to hate this person for making you so weak, but you still can't help feeling that tingle every time you see them. And every time you send them a text, you check every second to see if they have responded, and you check for Facebook updates, even when you are going next door you put on make-up or you wear your best Nikes in case you see them, even though they are cities away from you.

I will say toddles after the next sentences. There are only two differences between love and hate. first is the fact that in love you hurt the receiver without intending to and in hate you intend to hurt. Secondly, In love you hurt yourself intentionally just cause it seems right and in hate the only right thing is hurting the other person. in both emotions, you become almost obsessed with the other half. you want to find out what makes them tick so you can get to them. you always want to be around. both are so powerful and leave a mark on both participants. Sometimes physically sometimes emotionally, sometimes mentally. Sometimes you find yourself standing on that thin line that differentiates both powerful emotions. After, the ups and downs some people choose the road less traveled and hurt just to make the other person happy, some people make themselves happy by hurting the other person, and only a handful choose to walk away and even when they do they carry an eon of one or both passions. Those who walk away unless they meet the former half never fully discard of this emotion because they are never really confronted with it's presence.

mehn the mehn mehn

I'm having my out of body experience again. what's the use of the stupid therapist if immediately after I'm one, i feel the same way! Like I am so tired, normally cleaning helps, but my room's been in the same state of cleanliness (unusual)and i just cleaned the whole kitchen, which was worse than other days, but i still indifferent. Like everything is so peaceful, too peaceful, and I find myself thinking that there is a storm brewing in the not so distant future.

What scares me the most is that I am not afraid. And I know I am not making sense to some now, and i do not expect to make sense to anyone cuase I do not make sense to myself. Unlike every week, I am looking forward to writing my fictional and factual weekly journal to Mr. K but I can't because i am no longer his cupa tea.

Since I started taking my medication, well since the first pill, I have been feeling no feeling and sleeping! yeah i knew that it was supposed to make me sleep but I didn't expect to be numb! that was my problem in the first place. Maybe I am supposed to continue taking it, but hearing it's purpose put me in a mental shut down. I was supposed to see the Doctor on Tuesday, but I didn't feel like hearing what he had to say, so next Tuesday i am just going to fabricate another so he can give me a less depressing medication.

Maybe if everything becomes as chaotic as I am used to it being, I will feel better, MAYBE. But for now I am going to stick to saying "great" whenever someone says "How are you?" Who knows I might start feeling great when my brain tires of hearing and feeling two different things.

I can't wait to go home. I am almost certain that I will feel more sunny and brighter than the sun when I get home. but for now, I will just have to settle for Ife, Objection of my stalktation- HRM(sorry Bunny, I can't bump him to number two, the love is too strong) and Bunny (you can be the object of my public embarrasion). Ife think of what what object you want to be. But I love my Gidi family even if one of them is not actually a gidian. ninja you know I am talking to you.

Yours affectionately,
Object of your Objectification
aka gray smiles
nka (newly known as) Gidi Hair. :D

God I am razz!

ife inspired me

couldn't sleep. so i recorded myself singing. it's on facebook and on my mysapace. was gon put it on this ish just to give u guys sleepless nights, but i dunno how to. :D but u know i luff u! nyways. someone said my blog was getting dry so i'm gon try my best to shake things up. now i just remembered :shake shake shake into the fire. the light of God is moving in u, I know the truthh and it shall set u free. i'm gonna shake off the beast and i will feel alright. i guess I am already feeling alright cos I have started thinkin in songs again. YAY

Nyways big news. I sorta told my dad about my plan to go to culinary and make-up school and then get my wedding planners certificate. and he seemed really happy for me. He and my mum have been trying for a long time to get me passionate enough about anything to be able to see a future in it. so yeah. well, he did pretend like he did not notice that i was leaning towards the i wanna drop out conversation. as in he totally ignored it. he was like "I'll support u with whatever you do in conjuction with your degree". see how my father uses english to box me in. eventhough through-out the convo, i kept repeating next year, the man just said u r finishing ur degree. Kai mylife. Atleast he didnt call me crazy for coming to uni for 4 years and not even plan on using my major in the future. hmmmm... nyways I love my parents.

Like you can't even get tempted to lie. If i'm up early(late, he just says why are you up, i say cos i slept in the afternoon, and he says "so r u reading or watching a movie or chilling". and my mum is always like "is there gist?" and in the days when i was an interesting child, i would give her gist (eventhough those days are few and very inbetween).

Oh did my reading and contrary to my belief people listened and some understood. Maybe I should start putting faith in Nigerians (on second thought- No i need more reasons to be able to trust their judgement). well not all but the young ones around me.
OMG! since I turned 19 I have been becoming more irritable. as in it's bad. and now i'm more evil. if don't like something I come right out and say it or give the silent treatment. People say I am becoming more rude but ehn what d heck, if u were really important i would tie my lleg real tight for to be patient with you.

Didn't know I had so much to write about till I started. Turning nineteen has been a swell journey. like i thought it would be like other birthdays when i don't feel the difference. but with this birthday it's diff. maybe it's cause i have replaced some people with better people in my life, and I'm over my version of Swiss. but it feels great. oh and my whole body hurts like hell cos I stopped my pilates and abs and yoga for a while and i just started everything in full force.
P.s never do that.

I dunno if I am going for swag ball. and because I am on the fence preparation is going to be grueling. cos i don't wanna do my hair and go shopping if i'm not going, but what if i am going then i will have to rush things. people tell me what to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?

sas my indian friend just moved downtown and Happibunny is about to go! why??????? anyways such is life. my life is getting really uncomplicated but at the same time complicated.

me and my multicultural asian friends were tallking one night and my friend likes a guy but he is very honest (maybe too honest) and she knows he is not serious- relationship wise- and he might end up wanting something she isn't willing to do.
when she told me the fist one-third i was very happy for her but the other parts made me very skeptical. my other friends were like dont tell him you wont do it, just keep one telling him to be patient. but they kinda forgot that she doesn't know if he likes her yet and what sort of relationshp he wants. for some reason they think i know a lot about relationships, so i have the task of finding a way to find out if he likes her, how to get him serious enuf for a relationship and to put having the ish off. I don't know this ish, cos the last time i had a relationship wasalmost 2 years ago n i didnt have to deal with it. why am i telling this story? cos i know my faithful stalkers have the answer: please give me suggestions. i kinda like being the relationshipless relationship guru.

P.P.S I lost the life of the party award to a guy that doesn't go partying- I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNCOOL! and stupid thing is that the day before they all sat down and said how i should win. this is why u shouldn't "steal" girls boyfrens so that when u need votes u'll get enough. happibunny thats a lesson to u. HRM i am not mentions u in my blog because u gave me ela twice in the past 7 days. imagine raisng my hopes upp like that. Happibunny n Ife u got some solving to do. u know i only hv my problems once in a while. so cashia lera.

I know

I know I promised a certain stalker that7 I would update my blog but i have writer's block. :( happens when u have to write everyday (occupational hazard). so I am going to write tomorrow and detail everything that is note worthy that has happened to me in the past week. quiet a lot actually. for now i'm watching every single episode of the Nanny for the umpteenth time. it gets better every time. My body hurts so much ryt now. never thought i could go up to 30 mins with only 10 secs break. but i did.