mehn the mehn mehn

I'm having my out of body experience again. what's the use of the stupid therapist if immediately after I'm one, i feel the same way! Like I am so tired, normally cleaning helps, but my room's been in the same state of cleanliness (unusual)and i just cleaned the whole kitchen, which was worse than other days, but i still indifferent. Like everything is so peaceful, too peaceful, and I find myself thinking that there is a storm brewing in the not so distant future.

What scares me the most is that I am not afraid. And I know I am not making sense to some now, and i do not expect to make sense to anyone cuase I do not make sense to myself. Unlike every week, I am looking forward to writing my fictional and factual weekly journal to Mr. K but I can't because i am no longer his cupa tea.

Since I started taking my medication, well since the first pill, I have been feeling no feeling and sleeping! yeah i knew that it was supposed to make me sleep but I didn't expect to be numb! that was my problem in the first place. Maybe I am supposed to continue taking it, but hearing it's purpose put me in a mental shut down. I was supposed to see the Doctor on Tuesday, but I didn't feel like hearing what he had to say, so next Tuesday i am just going to fabricate another so he can give me a less depressing medication.

Maybe if everything becomes as chaotic as I am used to it being, I will feel better, MAYBE. But for now I am going to stick to saying "great" whenever someone says "How are you?" Who knows I might start feeling great when my brain tires of hearing and feeling two different things.

I can't wait to go home. I am almost certain that I will feel more sunny and brighter than the sun when I get home. but for now, I will just have to settle for Ife, Objection of my stalktation- HRM(sorry Bunny, I can't bump him to number two, the love is too strong) and Bunny (you can be the object of my public embarrasion). Ife think of what what object you want to be. But I love my Gidi family even if one of them is not actually a gidian. ninja you know I am talking to you.

Yours affectionately,
Object of your Objectification
aka gray smiles
nka (newly known as) Gidi Hair. :D

God I am razz!

ife inspired me

couldn't sleep. so i recorded myself singing. it's on facebook and on my mysapace. was gon put it on this ish just to give u guys sleepless nights, but i dunno how to. :D but u know i luff u! nyways. someone said my blog was getting dry so i'm gon try my best to shake things up. now i just remembered :shake shake shake into the fire. the light of God is moving in u, I know the truthh and it shall set u free. i'm gonna shake off the beast and i will feel alright. i guess I am already feeling alright cos I have started thinkin in songs again. YAY

Nyways big news. I sorta told my dad about my plan to go to culinary and make-up school and then get my wedding planners certificate. and he seemed really happy for me. He and my mum have been trying for a long time to get me passionate enough about anything to be able to see a future in it. so yeah. well, he did pretend like he did not notice that i was leaning towards the i wanna drop out conversation. as in he totally ignored it. he was like "I'll support u with whatever you do in conjuction with your degree". see how my father uses english to box me in. eventhough through-out the convo, i kept repeating next year, the man just said u r finishing ur degree. Kai mylife. Atleast he didnt call me crazy for coming to uni for 4 years and not even plan on using my major in the future. hmmmm... nyways I love my parents.

Like you can't even get tempted to lie. If i'm up early(late, he just says why are you up, i say cos i slept in the afternoon, and he says "so r u reading or watching a movie or chilling". and my mum is always like "is there gist?" and in the days when i was an interesting child, i would give her gist (eventhough those days are few and very inbetween).

Oh did my reading and contrary to my belief people listened and some understood. Maybe I should start putting faith in Nigerians (on second thought- No i need more reasons to be able to trust their judgement). well not all but the young ones around me.
OMG! since I turned 19 I have been becoming more irritable. as in it's bad. and now i'm more evil. if don't like something I come right out and say it or give the silent treatment. People say I am becoming more rude but ehn what d heck, if u were really important i would tie my lleg real tight for to be patient with you.

Didn't know I had so much to write about till I started. Turning nineteen has been a swell journey. like i thought it would be like other birthdays when i don't feel the difference. but with this birthday it's diff. maybe it's cause i have replaced some people with better people in my life, and I'm over my version of Swiss. but it feels great. oh and my whole body hurts like hell cos I stopped my pilates and abs and yoga for a while and i just started everything in full force.
P.s never do that.

I dunno if I am going for swag ball. and because I am on the fence preparation is going to be grueling. cos i don't wanna do my hair and go shopping if i'm not going, but what if i am going then i will have to rush things. people tell me what to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?

sas my indian friend just moved downtown and Happibunny is about to go! why??????? anyways such is life. my life is getting really uncomplicated but at the same time complicated.

me and my multicultural asian friends were tallking one night and my friend likes a guy but he is very honest (maybe too honest) and she knows he is not serious- relationship wise- and he might end up wanting something she isn't willing to do.
when she told me the fist one-third i was very happy for her but the other parts made me very skeptical. my other friends were like dont tell him you wont do it, just keep one telling him to be patient. but they kinda forgot that she doesn't know if he likes her yet and what sort of relationshp he wants. for some reason they think i know a lot about relationships, so i have the task of finding a way to find out if he likes her, how to get him serious enuf for a relationship and to put having the ish off. I don't know this ish, cos the last time i had a relationship wasalmost 2 years ago n i didnt have to deal with it. why am i telling this story? cos i know my faithful stalkers have the answer: please give me suggestions. i kinda like being the relationshipless relationship guru.

P.P.S I lost the life of the party award to a guy that doesn't go partying- I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNCOOL! and stupid thing is that the day before they all sat down and said how i should win. this is why u shouldn't "steal" girls boyfrens so that when u need votes u'll get enough. happibunny thats a lesson to u. HRM i am not mentions u in my blog because u gave me ela twice in the past 7 days. imagine raisng my hopes upp like that. Happibunny n Ife u got some solving to do. u know i only hv my problems once in a while. so cashia lera.

I know

I know I promised a certain stalker that7 I would update my blog but i have writer's block. :( happens when u have to write everyday (occupational hazard). so I am going to write tomorrow and detail everything that is note worthy that has happened to me in the past week. quiet a lot actually. for now i'm watching every single episode of the Nanny for the umpteenth time. it gets better every time. My body hurts so much ryt now. never thought i could go up to 30 mins with only 10 secs break. but i did.

SERIOUS TALK

As you all know I am poet before a columnist or a novelist. So today I am going to write a poem. Like most of my poetry, it is a mixture of fact and fiction. WHY? well this poem will explain why I have to mix reality plus the "unreal". it will also explain a lot of things I do and why I cannot stop myself from doing them. The fiction that inspires me to do this is the movie The Secret Life of The Bees. if you have read any of my works then you may be inclined to ask why most of my writing is centered on pain. Well, this will explain why.

Ever since I was little, I depended on the feelings of others
Every opinion I have is based on the Vibes I get from people's feelings.
My mother calls me Mother Christmas,
She knows whenever I see someone in need I can't help but try.
Although I grow, this afflictions refuses to go away,
I think as long as I live it will stay.

When people shake their heads because I have chosen yet another stray,
I know they are going to do the same when that stray turns around to bite me.
I expect a bite from every stray I meet,
And so far no one has disappointed me.

Even though I know what to expect, I still pick up a stray.
Why?

Because the pain I get from seeing a stray is worse than their bite when they are stronger.
You see, I am ecstatic when they bite because it shows that they are strong enough to walk alone.
Sometimes their bite may be weak; so I stand by the door.
Waiting for them to come back.

And you see, they never disappoint me in that aspect either.
And even when people think I have no emotions, no feelings, no opinions of my .
I do not get angry at their thoughts.

WHY?

Because I know that being able to bear only the feelings of others, their emotions and opinions, gives more pain than having yours.
You see, I cannot get angry at this people because I am happy that their load is light.
I happy happy that they can depend on me.
I am happy that at least in the morning they have hope that their tears will end.
And in their whole life time all the tears they cry will not amount to a puddle
Because my heart is filled with their seas and oceans,
Bodies of water I can unload once in a blue moon.

A blue moon that I face alone in the quiet stillness and rumbling of my soul.
So when someone calls me Mother Christmas, Mama Africa, Mother to the whole world,
I accept it because I learned that maybe that's all I can ever be.

It is all I have ever been.
I am the one who toils in her sleep, to make everyone smile while she is too tired to do the same.
Cause then and only then does the sea level in my heart reduce without so much agony.
It is when the sunshine radiating from their hearts burn some of the unshed tears away.



The Sun from the friends and family that make it their duty to laugh at my jokes (even the unfunny ones). Friends that don't understand why I do the things I do, but stand by me and take care of me when the stray's bite is worse than I anticipated.
Oh can u guys believe I cried when I watched a movie?!??1?/1?! The only other movie I cried for was Sex and the City. WOW

I HAVE A DREAM

Today has been quite uninteresting.
I just got good news from my brother, very soon i shall be 5 dollars richer.! can u believe that!
I still dunno what I wanna do for my Birthday and it's fast approaching. How do I know? Well, it's my birthday and I know that instead of the usual 60 min/hour time frame, the days have suddenly become faster and the hours are now only 30 minutes long. I know eh, even nature can't wait for me to be a yer older. How old am I? well, since I am about to leave the age behind, I will give you a clue and a minute before my birthday, I'll tell u if I remember.
The clue: I am a very young child.:D

Oh yh nd the other reason I know my birthday is fast approaching is because tomorrow is my dearest mummy's birthday.
P.S the fact that we r n the middle of the month and my birthday is at the end of the same month has nothing to do with my knowledge.

please don't ask me what I want. I will, however, make my birthday shopping a lot easier for you by telling you what I love.

I like the whole Wii Fit thing, its so rad, I see myself having one but I cant figure out what I need to have one, like do I need a Nintendo console? Can I just buy the board and plug it to the T.v and begin the whole thing? things like that.

My friend. SHE WHO DOESN'T EAT UNLESS I COOK, got me a make-up book and it was so lovely, that shows that she knows what I like. In the make-up book, it said a real make-up artist has to have all the brushes in two sets: real hair and synthetic set of professional make-up brushes. I think its a great idea having two complete sets having two complete sets.

they would help enhance the look of the new size 81/2 pairs of shoes I am going to get. I already see the shoes, really high fancy heels and maybe some nice pairs of flats with lovely totes to match. hmmmm.

something that will look nice directly under the new fashion picture or painting I am going to get. the painting that would look nicer in my room that the spa that I am going to spend a day at. Wow I have such great friends and a wonderful brother!

Oh yeah back from my dreamland that my love ones are going to make a reality.

So, you know how when you become a year older you don't really feel it. well my case is going to be different, cause immediately I turn a year older (haha u thought i was going to say my age), my maturity is going to be tested-i hope i pass- the worst test a girl can ever take. Lord help. I am going to celebrate my mum's birthday tomorrow. I dunno what to do. I guess I have to call her and find out what she wants me to do. :D kk I am going back to my sick bed.

Oh hello Object of my Stalktation, u do know your are part of my love ones. :)

REPLY TO THE OBJECT OF MY FAITHFUL STALKTATION :D

So a friend of mine wrote something bout excuses women make and when i pointed out the fact that men make the same excuses, he told me that it was up to a girl to attack this grievance. Well, i think he is right so I am going to attack the male species today.

The excuse in Question ? "I just got out of a relationship, I am not ready for another one. Let's just have fun"

My problem with this excuse? I have more than one problem, but I will start with the error in timing. Every guy that I have heard make this excuse ended their relationship at least two months before the conversation. one day is just, one week is just, two weeks is just, three weeks is not just, a month is not just, two months baby is a life time! Two months is enough to get over a girl who you realize was a complete bitch!

Yes I know I said I had many problems with this excuse, so I will get on with my second problem. Most guys that make this excuse were the ones who approached the girl and even brought up the whole relationship topic. Most girls I know would never prod a guy to ask them to be in a relationship. In fact, most girls would wait patiently for the guy to realize that he wants to be in a serious relationship(at least I did). So why bring up this supposed dreaded topic if you don't want to talk about it. Don't put ideas in our heads if you are not ready to follow up.

My next problem. SPECIFY! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY A RELATIONSHIP? Cos even fun can be classified as a relationship. friendship is a relationship, sex buddies= a relationship, friends with benefit= a relationship, unofficial boyfriend/girlfriend= a relationship, official boyfriend/girlfriend= a SERIOUS relationship. So Buster by saying you are not ready for a relationship you haven't actually knocked your point across. And do not go about wondering why a girl refuses to have "fun" with you cause I will save your time by telling you. TWO SECONDS AGO YOU JUST TOLD HER YOU WERE NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. To us girls the only thing that doesn't qualify as a relationship is a one night stand with a total stranger you are never going to meet in your life.

My last issue with this excuse. Don't give us the BULLSHIT. we all know that when a guy tells you that it means we don't want you. Why then do girls hope for the best? Cause we like you enough to think you might be our exemption. we like you enough to believe that you might become ready for us. That's why even after you nonsensical speech we stick around, call all day, send text messages pretending it was meant for someone else, email, tag you in fcbk notes and do whatever you ask us to. So if you really don't like a girl that way at least respect her enough to say, I DO NOT LIKE YOU AS ANYTHING ELSE BUT A FRIEND. And trust me you will still have a friend at the end of the day, instead of making enemies out of all her friends.

I know I said many problems and this might not feel like a lot of issues, but they can drag for a very long time and I am unaashamed to say I speak from experience. So guys please get to the point and stop trying to spare our feelings

A near Death Experience

I don't know what I was thinking;
I really don't have any feelings for you,
In fact, I do not consider you a friend.
But I sentt you a message anyways.

I don't know what I was thinking;
How could I have believed I was ready,
When I know deep inside my heart I am waiting for my ONE.
But I sent you that message anyways.

I don't know what I was thinking;
But I know I don't want that night to get that far when it began,
I just wanted a distraction.
But it went that far anyways.

I do not know what I was thinking;
When I pretended to like what you were doing,
Though I know where it was going.
But it went that far anyways.

I do know what I was doing;
When I told you to stop,
Got up and left your house.
Hope it did not get that far anyways.

I do know what went through my mind;
When I saw the stain,
I was scared to the black hole of my soul.
But I know it did not get farther thann that.

I do know what I would have done;
If you became my first because of a stupid night,
the very core of me would have shattered.
Thank God I did not go farther than that.

I do know what I want to do;
You obviously are not my ONE,
Even if you were my ONE I would have to walk down the sacred corridor.
For my to ever get that far again.