some one once told me that "it is impossible to love others if you don't love yourself". That someone was my mother. She said this to me years and years ago but in my inexperience I said she didn't know anything. By now after sitting atop the fire of life for such a long time I know she is right.
But how do you know if you don't love yourself? How do you learn to love yourself when you have spent so long loving others and forgetting that you are in fact human?
Anyways, so I have been thinking of recent, as in really thinking about my capability of really loving someone. And for some reason I can't picture myself loving anyone. Of course, I love my friends and my family and will love my children. but I am talking about like a boyfriend or husband-kind of person. Like how do you love someone enough to open every aspect yourself up to them knowing fully well that they could hurt you and break you.
One of my exes told me that I am incapable of loving someone. I try to tell myself that it was him i was incapable of loving but i can't help to think in the back of my mind that maybe the problem is me. Maybe I am really incapable of loving, i dunno.
I don't know the ppoint of this post, but it feels good to just let it out. :D hope you are having fun...
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
SONIA'S ANSWER
Ok SO my friend Sonia posted these questions on facebook and wanted me to answer the, but i figured I need more that a few lines to answer them and that some other people might have these questions, so here are my thoughts.
1. what qualities do you look for in a partner.
well the most important is honesty. Most times you have to ask yourself what qualities do you have to give, cause you can't be unable to bring something to the table and expect your partner to. You can't cheat and expect your partner to be faithful, or lie and expect your partner to be honest at all times. You can't be lazy and expect the other to be diligent. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK IN A MATURE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP..
2. would you forgive your partner if they cheated on you?Explain why you would and why you wouldn't?
The word partner is like lean bacon (sorry that's the best I could come up with). Why? For you to regard someone as your partner and not a boyfriend or a lover, it means you have learned to trust and love this person and regard them as your equal; you have trimmed all the fat off. Now to answer the question. I will... yeah I know. The question is will I get back with them? I might the first time they do. Depending on who with, the timing, the place, the why and the how?
3. Do you think sex is necessary in cementing a long term relationship? Expand.
No, I don't. Why? Did your parents think you had to pay rent for them to let you stay in their house? What's the relation ship between the two? Well once you start viewing sex as neccessary to keep you partner you might as well be paying them. If you don't want to do the deed and your partner thinks that you should for you to stay together then you shouldn't be with them. I am certain most guys and even girls want to do the dirty dirty but if they feel strongly bout you, they can hold for a little while. But you shouldn't tease them either. don't start what u can't finish.
4. Are we able to feel love to the full extent at this age?
No. Love grows everyday even adults don't feel love to the full extent. everyday and with every experience you learn to appreciate the other more.
1. what qualities do you look for in a partner.
well the most important is honesty. Most times you have to ask yourself what qualities do you have to give, cause you can't be unable to bring something to the table and expect your partner to. You can't cheat and expect your partner to be faithful, or lie and expect your partner to be honest at all times. You can't be lazy and expect the other to be diligent. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK IN A MATURE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP..
2. would you forgive your partner if they cheated on you?Explain why you would and why you wouldn't?
The word partner is like lean bacon (sorry that's the best I could come up with). Why? For you to regard someone as your partner and not a boyfriend or a lover, it means you have learned to trust and love this person and regard them as your equal; you have trimmed all the fat off. Now to answer the question. I will... yeah I know. The question is will I get back with them? I might the first time they do. Depending on who with, the timing, the place, the why and the how?
3. Do you think sex is necessary in cementing a long term relationship? Expand.
No, I don't. Why? Did your parents think you had to pay rent for them to let you stay in their house? What's the relation ship between the two? Well once you start viewing sex as neccessary to keep you partner you might as well be paying them. If you don't want to do the deed and your partner thinks that you should for you to stay together then you shouldn't be with them. I am certain most guys and even girls want to do the dirty dirty but if they feel strongly bout you, they can hold for a little while. But you shouldn't tease them either. don't start what u can't finish.
4. Are we able to feel love to the full extent at this age?
No. Love grows everyday even adults don't feel love to the full extent. everyday and with every experience you learn to appreciate the other more.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Perfection
Striving for Perfection in a personal matter, though tough is easier, much more than when u have to strive with someone else. When you are striving alone, you can motivate yourself and always have other people to motivate you. When you feel low you can give yourself a pep talk, push yourself harder.
When you are with someone else, you can't push the other person to hard because you are afraid you might push them away, especially if it is with someone you love. For couple perfection you both have to have the same level of energy at all times, if not a seedling of resentment in the person who feels they are fighting and striving more.
The only sort of perfection you can create in a relationship is perfecting the acknowledgment of the fact that there is no way to gain perfection in a relation. Perfecting the act of turning a blind eye to faults in a relation and the significant other. But as we are human, we always aim for something higher, something within our grasp and when we have reached that level we want more.
Hence, there is nothing like a perfect couple or an almost perfect couple. We see a couple that strives for more than they have and that is the example we should follow. Although perfection is imossible, happiness is... So instead of striving for perfection, fight for happiness with the one you love and fight to help keep them standing cause that's the closest you will get to perfection...
HRM THIS IS FOR YOU.. SORRY IT'S LATE. XOXOXOX
When you are with someone else, you can't push the other person to hard because you are afraid you might push them away, especially if it is with someone you love. For couple perfection you both have to have the same level of energy at all times, if not a seedling of resentment in the person who feels they are fighting and striving more.
The only sort of perfection you can create in a relationship is perfecting the acknowledgment of the fact that there is no way to gain perfection in a relation. Perfecting the act of turning a blind eye to faults in a relation and the significant other. But as we are human, we always aim for something higher, something within our grasp and when we have reached that level we want more.
Hence, there is nothing like a perfect couple or an almost perfect couple. We see a couple that strives for more than they have and that is the example we should follow. Although perfection is imossible, happiness is... So instead of striving for perfection, fight for happiness with the one you love and fight to help keep them standing cause that's the closest you will get to perfection...
HRM THIS IS FOR YOU.. SORRY IT'S LATE. XOXOXOX
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
lol
With all the vehemence in me, I spit out
"I'd die a thousand deaths before..."
My spat is cut short when I see the look in his eyes, he's is begging me not to complete it but I know his mind is asking "before what?"
How do I know? He has on this pained expression, but his eyes bore into mine as if to say, 'go ahead complete it if you dare' Can I complete it?
I don't know if I can bring myself to hurt him, by telling him a lie, to hurt myself. But I need an effective way to push him away, a way to make him run so fast so far in the opposite direction. Usually I am really good at doing this, I always do it, so by now you'd think it'd be easier. But with him, it's so hard.
So I try again "I will die a thousand deaths..." this time I try not to look at his face but even then I cannot complete it because I know this is all a lie. I know that from the moment I complete it I will be living a huge lie. I would walk, talk, sleep, breathe and dwindle in the lie.
But I can't not lie, because if i don't I will have to tell the truth the whole truth, a truth I don't think am ready to part with.
I dare to look up, to let myself get sucked into the milky chocolate swirls of his eyes and I want to tell him. To let it flow, let everything come out, but I know if it is out it is always going to be hanging around both of us. With it hidden it is just hanging above my head. You see that's why it was so easy before, no one ever attempted to share it with me, no one knew it was there in the first place. We say nothing but speak volumes. Now I am the one who is begging him not to let me complete it, who is trying to mask the pain. But he sees it.
"before?"
I close my eyes as if to say "please let's forget this"
"before?"
in my head i say "please don't make me talk about this, don't let me make my issues your problem"
"but it is my problem," I guess i didn't really say that in my head.
"no it's not, I don't want it to be."
At this point I don't know if I should make my story an emotional tragedy or a nostalgic one, so we just sit and look at each other. The silence is slowly becoming awkward.
the end. :D
"I'd die a thousand deaths before..."
My spat is cut short when I see the look in his eyes, he's is begging me not to complete it but I know his mind is asking "before what?"
How do I know? He has on this pained expression, but his eyes bore into mine as if to say, 'go ahead complete it if you dare' Can I complete it?
I don't know if I can bring myself to hurt him, by telling him a lie, to hurt myself. But I need an effective way to push him away, a way to make him run so fast so far in the opposite direction. Usually I am really good at doing this, I always do it, so by now you'd think it'd be easier. But with him, it's so hard.
So I try again "I will die a thousand deaths..." this time I try not to look at his face but even then I cannot complete it because I know this is all a lie. I know that from the moment I complete it I will be living a huge lie. I would walk, talk, sleep, breathe and dwindle in the lie.
But I can't not lie, because if i don't I will have to tell the truth the whole truth, a truth I don't think am ready to part with.
I dare to look up, to let myself get sucked into the milky chocolate swirls of his eyes and I want to tell him. To let it flow, let everything come out, but I know if it is out it is always going to be hanging around both of us. With it hidden it is just hanging above my head. You see that's why it was so easy before, no one ever attempted to share it with me, no one knew it was there in the first place. We say nothing but speak volumes. Now I am the one who is begging him not to let me complete it, who is trying to mask the pain. But he sees it.
"before?"
I close my eyes as if to say "please let's forget this"
"before?"
in my head i say "please don't make me talk about this, don't let me make my issues your problem"
"but it is my problem," I guess i didn't really say that in my head.
"no it's not, I don't want it to be."
At this point I don't know if I should make my story an emotional tragedy or a nostalgic one, so we just sit and look at each other. The silence is slowly becoming awkward.
the end. :D
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
extremes of PASSION
Oh he touched me and I shivered,
Oh I shivered with a fever,
I could feel the goosebumps strain against my flesh,
I could feel his eyes travel through every inch of exposed flesh,
I could feel my dark skin grow hot,
Hot because I knew he was aware of the effect his stare had on me.
I could hear my heart thump loudly, wildly,
i knew he could see it because he smiled,
And then he touched me.
Oh I shivered violently.
Shivered from the heat he created in me.
He touches me and I have a fever,
Oh the fever causes me to shiver,
I am so hot, so hot I am afraid.
I can feel his eye rove around my body,
I can feel myself grew hot with thoughts of what I want to do to him,
The thoughts so horrid that I shiver,
I am cold all over, so hot,
My insides are so cold with hate,
He touches me and I shiver icy-hotness.
I close my eyes and replay all the things I want to do to him.
I open my eyes with a smile.
Oh, we are all smiling because I know I will never shiver.
Or will I?
Will the thoughts of that night make me so hot that I shiver?
Oh I shivered with a fever,
I could feel the goosebumps strain against my flesh,
I could feel his eyes travel through every inch of exposed flesh,
I could feel my dark skin grow hot,
Hot because I knew he was aware of the effect his stare had on me.
I could hear my heart thump loudly, wildly,
i knew he could see it because he smiled,
And then he touched me.
Oh I shivered violently.
Shivered from the heat he created in me.
He touches me and I have a fever,
Oh the fever causes me to shiver,
I am so hot, so hot I am afraid.
I can feel his eye rove around my body,
I can feel myself grew hot with thoughts of what I want to do to him,
The thoughts so horrid that I shiver,
I am cold all over, so hot,
My insides are so cold with hate,
He touches me and I shiver icy-hotness.
I close my eyes and replay all the things I want to do to him.
I open my eyes with a smile.
Oh, we are all smiling because I know I will never shiver.
Or will I?
Will the thoughts of that night make me so hot that I shiver?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Am I a BITCH??????
I am not sure anymore. So I need you guys to tell me. This isn't the first time my head is telling me that I am a complete bitch. At first I denied it, but this is like the third time in less than a month that I have questioned the presence of my very strong inner bitch. On a usual day, I'd say I wasn't but lately especially today, very bitchy thoughts keep zooming through my brain, in complete circles.
Like yesterday, for example, some of my friends and I were talking about cheating and what we'd do if we were going to cheat.. and i came up with some of the most brilliant ideas on how to cover up or justify it. It was almost as if I had thought about them before. The thing is I am not a pro-cheating person. then I was watching Entourage ad I find I actually like the guy code thing not spilling on your mate even to a mutual friend. You see, usually, as a girl I'd think it is okay to spill if you are doing it to protect that friend or someone else.
This weekend, I found I had to stifle myself quite a lot... as in a lot lot, like every 2 minutes. When someone said something I thought was completely stupid, I'd want to turn around with an incredulous look on my face and say "you are such a dumb fuck, even a dumb fuck would think you were dumb" or say "are you listening to yourself?, I don't meaning hearing your voice but actually listening to the words your are actually letting out of your mouth?" I know it's normal to think this like once in a month, but I think them a lot!
Some days ago, I actually had an argument in my head about if I thought someone was stupid or just an idiot. And I actually thought of the difference between the two. You see a stupid person you can educate, they are just slower than usual, like you'd call a dog stupid when they are slow getting a Frisbee. An idiot, you can't teach because trying to educate one is more impossible than anything i can think of at the moment.
But I CANNOT be a bitch!!! I didn't say these things out loud. I practiced self-control and kept quiet. Should I reward myself for that? I don't know. I really think I am almost the sweetest person I have met. People that have met me or read my blog, do you think, I am a Bitch or just realistic?
Like yesterday, for example, some of my friends and I were talking about cheating and what we'd do if we were going to cheat.. and i came up with some of the most brilliant ideas on how to cover up or justify it. It was almost as if I had thought about them before. The thing is I am not a pro-cheating person. then I was watching Entourage ad I find I actually like the guy code thing not spilling on your mate even to a mutual friend. You see, usually, as a girl I'd think it is okay to spill if you are doing it to protect that friend or someone else.
This weekend, I found I had to stifle myself quite a lot... as in a lot lot, like every 2 minutes. When someone said something I thought was completely stupid, I'd want to turn around with an incredulous look on my face and say "you are such a dumb fuck, even a dumb fuck would think you were dumb" or say "are you listening to yourself?, I don't meaning hearing your voice but actually listening to the words your are actually letting out of your mouth?" I know it's normal to think this like once in a month, but I think them a lot!
Some days ago, I actually had an argument in my head about if I thought someone was stupid or just an idiot. And I actually thought of the difference between the two. You see a stupid person you can educate, they are just slower than usual, like you'd call a dog stupid when they are slow getting a Frisbee. An idiot, you can't teach because trying to educate one is more impossible than anything i can think of at the moment.
But I CANNOT be a bitch!!! I didn't say these things out loud. I practiced self-control and kept quiet. Should I reward myself for that? I don't know. I really think I am almost the sweetest person I have met. People that have met me or read my blog, do you think, I am a Bitch or just realistic?
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