A very public and much needed break up

When I first decided to cut my hair and go all natural I did so purely out of boredom. I needed a change so I sit off all my hair after blowing it out and straightening it. It was so simple; no sense of loss or betrayal as the locks fell to the ground. No sense of pride either; I just cut my hair.

Now, more than two years into the natural hair "membership/movement", I am bored once again. Unlike during the big chop, I am feeling pangs of guilt. In the past years I have had people come up to me to congratulate me on embracing my culture? I use a question mark because those compliments leave me very confused. Was I rejecting my culture before? What culture do they speak of? Does my natural hair curl to spell out nigerian, yoruba or igede on my forehead? Was my hair controlling my actions: was I somehow dancing an "african dance" as I walked? Did my accent somehow change or did I start to speak another language? Did I attend a black hair campaign? Did I pledge an allegiance to my tight curls? Did my natural hair come with tribal marks only visible to other beholders? So many questions. I am confused as to how my hair has suddenly made me an ambassador of my "black/african" roots. 

It also irks me that when I put my "natural" (I put natural in quotes because I don't know if my relaxed hair has suddenly become fake or no longer mine) hair in the same bun I used to put it in when it was relaxed, people ask me when I am going to do my hair. Or ask if everything is ok. Why should my hair be the focus and representative of me when I am standing right in front of you. Why should my hair speak for me when my mouth is just chilling right under it waiting to be used. Honestly, I have hung unto my natural hair membership mainly to irritate my mother. 

When I tell people that I am planning on relaxing my hair, I get "oh but it's so beautiful". It's like my hair is a person on it's own. A parasite whose opinion matters more than that of its host (me) - Yes I am slightly envious. But sometimes I feel guilt; that I may somehow be less of a cultural ambassador, that I am letting all the natural hair aspirants down. But alas, I am too bored to stay in this club, I need options. Maybe one day I will reactivate my membership but for now I need a break, a long break! Cutting my hair, dyeing it, relaxing it, texturing it, putting it up in braids cannot be the focus of our lives. I might stick with this hair longer if I find something new that tickles my fancy but really it could go any way. 

I no longer care and you shouldn't. Try not to bring people down because they are not walking the path you have chosen for yourself. 

The Dream is Now

OLD POST I FORGOT TO POST UP. REPLY TO HAPPYBUNI

Oh Happy Buni , do you know how happy and honoured I am that you asked me to write more on your topic. so thank you!!!

The Old times.
I know what you mean about how twitter, face book, msn, bbm and the rest make conversations harder. It doesn't just reduce the effort you make with people but it makes conversations harder. What are you supposed to say when you have already read everything about someone's day!

The old times.
When guys actually asked girls for one on ones, to give the girl a chance to get to know him better. Now if a guy spends more than one hour with you on msn it might mean he likes you. How the hell is someone not going to get confused about how the other party feels for them. Cause you can always chat for hours with even a random person if you are bored, but you cannot sit and have a LONG oral and physical conversation (face-face, cause i know some of you think video call is an oral and physical convo)with someone you are not interested in. WHat Happened to DATES people!?!?!?!

The Old times
When you'd actually go see someone when they said they were having a crisis, not people think that if they call everything will be alright. PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT WHEN SOMEONE CALLS TO TELL U ABOUT A CRISIS THEY WANT TO BE HELD PHYSICALLY AND TOLD EVERYTHIN WILL BE FINE. THEY WANT YOU TO COME AND WIPE THEIR TEARS!!!!. But no, msn, twitter, bbm, facebook, rogers, fido, mtn, and the rest have destroyed that. as Buni said *RIP*

The old times.
when people actually have old photo albums. Now if you want to see the face of the one you might- by some weird screwed up chance- miss you just go on facebook, see their face and be like oh my hunger has been satisfied. YAY!

The old times.

HEY GUYS I'M BACK!!!!

So I am sitting here listening to the radio. I love the radio,  you don't have to make a decision about what you want to listen to. I hate making decisions, stresses me out, SO MUCH! Probably why I love the older times 30s and older. hmmm, so I have no clue what I am going to write about. Everyone has been telling me to write regularly, even the "randomest" things (after all, what English Major goes days, weeks, months) without writing something?) Anyways, so I guess this is going to be a "HEY GUYS I'M BACK" post. So much has happened in the past two years, will be giving updates, well as honest and open as I can be. My friends know I talk ALOT without actually saying anything about what  or how I feel. So you all are going to be my sounding board/therapist.

I am thinking about changing the name of the blog to 22 unaccomplished and living on Parents. lol. I am not sure how many people are going to read this since I have been gone for so long, but I will write anyway. I find when I start writing, Things I didn't even think i was thinking starts flowing out. Ok, this is a long enough "HEY GUYS I'M BACK" post. I look forward to all the random thoughts that are going to flow from my head. Trust  me there are lots of random things jumbling around my head. OK BYE.

FINALLY

Okay so I haven't written in a long time... I am almost certain I have lost all my followers. Sorry, I have just been in a writing bind. But today I got a mail and there was a contest where I have to write a poem including ten words and it inspired me,because I have been looking for words and a way to describe the way I have been feeling the whole year. Well this is it... yes I know it is somehow depressing, but most of my writings including my poetry is. so try to enjoy it and please DO NOT PITY.

P.S I have to also thank Tomi aka Imoteda http://www.imoteda.blogspot.com/ because her last blog inspired me to write how I truly felt, without trying to sugar coat it or euphemise (i know it is not a word) it.

A WOMAN'S PLEA

The child is in a ball on the floor
Thinking of the quickest way to escape
She can hear their voices,
A voice definitely a woman is whispering between loud sobs
The other a man's is pounding on every stretch of her skin in confusion

In the darkness she cannot see their faces
But she knows the voices
If only she could dig up the faces from memories so tightly away

But she cannot,
That would be stirring the still clay pot of emotions
It would be destroying everything she worked so hard to build
But it is already falling apart,
The villagers are beginning to notice the cracks of the outside of the pot

In the race of time, daylight is winning.
The few hours before dawn is her only chance to decide.
The drugs are right in front of her, but the woman is sobbing louder.
She cannot concentrate
She is willing the woman to shut up, begging her
But even with her thoughts racing and yelling her scream stands out.
It is distinct.

Please let me go and don't cry for me
Don't let the morning dew blanket everything I have worked so hard to create
It will only signal the coming of the sun
Drying away all my beliefs of a perfect us
Please don't let the sun rise
I do not want to see their faces
Please allow this child's fantasy to become immortal.



Don't try to interpret this poem please. I hate it when people try to guess what it means to me. just leave it as it speaks to you.

MY CONCRETE BOX

But I am not okay!
I am dying!
No one can see my insides shriveling up
Even I cannot save myself

I do not know how to cry so i Sing
I cannot scream so i WHISPER.
but can you not hear the weeping in my song
Can you not hear my shouts in my whisper.

I have let in close enough to hear me cry the tears even I cannot cry
I have let you so close the hear my heart scream.

NO I am not okay!
I am dying,
You are too blind to see me suffer,
You are too deaf to hear me scream.
And I am standing outside myself, unable to help me.

I am dying but that is not why I am afraid.
I fear that I may one day be able to cry and never be able to stop.
I may be able to scream and scream I shall without end
And when I do you still will not hear me.

Open Relationships

HELLO,
It has been a long while. Quick update bout what's been going on in my life and then i will get to my motivation for this post. PERSONAL UPDATE= NOTHING, ZILCH, NADA, kosi about from school.

Now to Open relationships. I always wanted to talk on this subject and I have been putting it off for a while but some replies to my friend konfirmed's last post kind of emphasized the need to talk about this subject.

I do not really have anything against open relationships, I think it is an occurrence in life that cannot be rid of.

I don't think I need to restate the perks of being in these non-relationship, so i will go directly to this misconceptions or the facts that we have decided to turn a blind eye to.

As we all know, we are not inanimate objects which is why we can feel and we have emotions. A girl will see a pair of shoes she absolutely loves and even though she cannot afford them she will think of them for a month or so. A guy will see a computer gadget he cannot afford even before it is released and will visualise himself with it, till he can get it. People give names to their pets, and love their pets, cater to their pets, even cry when their pets die. People get hooked on drugs or painkillers, or a t.v show, or a book and for years to come, even after being separated still feel the void. My point?

How then can we expect that, although Joe and Josephine are strongly attracted to each other, neither one should feel an emotional stirring. No matter how shallow one is, I do not think anyone decides they want to be in an open-relationship with someone who they think is utterly disgusting, physically or personality wise. So it is bound to happen that after a while, your feelings about that person starts becoming stronger.

The reason why open-relationships fail is not because people fail to abide by the rule (don't get emotionally attached) but because people fail to realise that emotional attachment is bound to happen; some stronger than others, and some participants are better at hiding their feelings).

The perks of an open relationship, I think is not the freedom to do whatever, but the honesty a name-bound-relationship sometimes lacks. The ability for both partners to say how they feel at all times, to walk away when you are both on different levels and to decide to stay with the knowledge that it is just mere attraction which may or may not bloom into something more fruitful.